You'll never look at fortune cookies the same way again...
Sometimes, bloggers push back from their keyboards, emerge from their basement offices, squint at the sun, and meet in real life (which we like to call IRL, because of Twitter. We’re that cool with 140 characters). Flesh and blood people talking to other actual people. Weird, I know. This happened on Tuesday when the Asheville Blogger Society got together to hear an excellent presentation on Search Engine Optimization, which is a really interesting topic if you are a blogger or a web developer. Otherwise, maybe not so much.
I try to be a grown-up when I go out in public. No I don’t. But every now and then I pull it off and pass as normal for a work event, or when meeting distant relatives. But it’s difficult for me. I lapse. A lot. At the “meet the 4th grade teacher” day at school, for some reason “Is it OK if the parents are sometimes inappropriate?” came out of my mouth. Her response: “I’ve never been asked that before.” Really, I wonder, why?? Because apparently, that was the first and only thing I needed to know about my child’s learning experience for the next academic year.
Or at the preschool meeting last year, when the elfin faerie of a teacher asked us to go in a circle and say our fondest wish for our child that year, other parents talked about gaining confidence, making friends, and learning letters. Me? “I hope my daughter stops crapping her pants.”
So when I went out on Tuesday, it was pretty much a crapshoot. But things were going along swimmingly for an entire forty-five minutes or so until we got to the question and answer session, when my hand of its own accord flew into the air and all of the sudden I was asking how we can build our audience if we blog about things like, say, “vagina cookies.” And since you ask, no, I don’t really know anyone in the Asheville Bloggers Society.
The thing is, you’ve all read the blog. I don’t really blog about vagina cookies. It came up once, in passing, in The Human Body Feast post. And then, because my mother-in-law told me she had been reading my blog posts out loud to my father-in-law (shudder), I wondered if she had read that aloud to him. So I tweeted:
Which then got retweeted by the lovely @gfunkified of Not Enough Patience, which I just couldn’t help but mention at the end of my blog game post, where I asked her to join in the fun.
So that was three times I’ve mentioned vagina cookies as a blogger. But it’s not like I posted a recipe or anything. And yet, in front of the Bloggers of Asheville, I decided to make “vagina cookies” my blog elevator speech. And I couldn’t stop saying it. I said it at least three times, like I had “vagina cookies” Tourette’s.
But a strange and beautiful thing began to happen. Other normal people took up the cause. The speaker used vagina cookies as an example. Someone else suggested “aren’t all fortune cookies just vagina cookies?” (Good point). Another person mentioned a friend who had made vagina cookies in medical school. A woman asked, “What are vagina cookies, anyway?”
And something in the room changed. In just a few hopeful moments, we, a group of strangers, shed our twitter handles and our blog URLS, nodded knowingly to one another, and became people. Friends even. Which is the true beauty of vagina cookies: They bring people together.
The next day I wondered what kind of impression I had made. (I was guessing the answer wasn’t “a good one”). I wondered if maybe some people might not have wanted to talk so much about vagina cookies at the blogger meeting. Then I saw this, posted on the Asheville Blogger Society’s Facebook page:
“After last night’s meeting, we will now only refer to them as “Vajayjay cookies”. Thanks. 
”
Of course. That would have been SO MUCH MORE APPROPRIATE. That is what OPRAH would have called them.
And one of my friends, who wasn’t even at the meeting, sends me a message:
“Why do I have a feeling YOU had something to do with this?”
There was only one response. I can’t take me anywhere.
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Epilogue…
It is totally unfair but I just Googled “vagina cookies” and I don’t even SHOW UP in the search results in at least the first three pages, which is all I checked. Clearly, I needed that SEO talk to improve my page rank results.
Epilogue #2…
So I just saw this on Twitter:
Apparently I’m not just inappropriate. I’m lame.
Epilogue #3...
I read somewhere that I am supposed to end each post with a relevant question to my readers, to generate discussion in the comments. But I’m having a hard time. I mean, is a question like “Have any of you repeatedly mentioned baked goods in the shape of private parts at a business meeting full of people you don’t know?” really going to foment conversation? So just comment. Anything works, really.
I have tears of laughter… I can’t stop laughing. Thank god Annabel is asleep or somehow I will have to explain something to her about vagina cookies.. which of course is the beginning of the end!
Why can’t the cool people like you live closer to me? I can’t take me anywhere either, which is why I pretty much don’t go anywhere. And yes, we have highly inappropriate and slightly immature talk at most of our office meetings. However, I instigate nothing, simply taking notes to use against them later.
And you use it so well.
Back in the 80′s, I went to a fancy party on Capital Hill. I was feeling pretty important since I was barely out of my teens. The brownstone was inhabited by some muckety-muck who did something for the government. It was Christmas time and in the corner of the main room was a lovely, tall and bushy evergreen tree, sparkling with colorful lights and (you guessed it) vagina cookies!!!! And yes. I plucked one off along with everbody else and ate it.
They are sweeping the nation!
I have never mentioned genital cookies at a meeting, but I might be willing to if it gave me fodder for a post.
Anything for material.
I’m the “someone” who made the comment about the Fortune Cookies! I want full credit for such a keen observation. Let’s be known throughout the blogosphere. It was me.
Indeed it was you Marty! I wasn’t sure if you wanted that credit forever on the internet. I’m glad you stepped up to the plate to shamelessly claim it
I’ve stopped going to meetings because of the general “yawn factor.” But I’m seriously thinking of moving to Asheville. It seems vagina cookies are accepted there. Here in Arizona there would be “discussion” (in a bullying fashion) in our legislature of when a vagina cookie is actually conceived, and then it would be outlawed – or maybe would be defined as when the flour and water are mixed.
I was also thinking there just might be a market for them….similar to fortune cookies but feminist comments. There I go, giving away terrific business ideas – someone will pick that up and become noted, if not rich!
I wish we had a blogger society in Biloxi!
From now on fortune cookies will just be known as vagina cookies in my household. Are black sharpies nontoxic? I might give them a little landing strip too from now on.
Clearly, you can’t take you anywhere either. But after the Lorax Party, I think we both knew (and loved) that about each other.
Holy cow, that was awesome. Isn’t it great how the definition of “inappropriate” changes when you are around like minded people? Vagina cookies.
You are full of vajayjay cookie awesomeness!
PS – I had breakfast with you and you can totally got out in public.
I was trying really hard
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You make a strong case for moving my family to Asheville. I would go out in public with you any time.
Until TypeACon my friend. You’re going, right??
Maybe we could start an “Inappropriate Colony” near Asheville…a compound of many acres where our kids could play and we could grow things that are healthy (I do sometimes worry about your girls’ food intake, Cindy!) to eat, and just bake vajayjay coookies…maybe with customized “fortunes.”
Loved Eleanor’s comment….like minds…define inappropriate. Isn’t that like the definition of “weed.” It isn’t a “weed” unless its somewhere it is not wanted.
Oh the girls eat fine. It’s really me you should be worrying about. On my desk: Coke, M&Ms, iced coffee and a cheese stick.
I’m not worried about you Cindy…except for the Coke (I don’t like fizzy sweet stuff) your “desk diet” is the same as mine! I’m a total ice coffee nut and since I push the proteins, cheese sticks are regular dietary staples for me. I just bought a frig magnet that reads, “My spirit animals are gummy bears!” So true!
You can blame Erin Margolin for my being here.
But I blame you for the coffee I just blew out of my face reading this. You owe me new laptop.
Geez louise. What does it say about me that I’m always “appropriate” but thoroughly enjoy reading about your inappropriateness? That I have a stick up my…?
Whatever. You’re hilarious. Thanks for the mention!!
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OK, pet peeve here from a former biology teacher/current at-home-dad: that would be “vulva”, not “vagina”. Given that the vagina is actually the INTERNAL organ part…
You are SO RIGHT. A vagina cookie would look more like a CANNOLI.
sure, all fortune cookies are vagina cookies. But check out THESE. NSFW.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/92776020/mature-lady-bites-vulva-cookies-homemade
Crying with laughter. Serious tears of laughing rolling down my face. And honestly, I will probably never look at a fortune cookie the same way again!
I didn’t think that it was possible to reference that much vagina into one post. I can’t stop laughing especially when I think of your inlaws reading this. My MIL’s mullet would curl.
Yes she rocks a nasty mullet.
Vag.