My entire post-pubescent life has been a quest for near-hairlessness. Head? That’s cool. A little downy fuzz on my arms? Great. Cute, almost. But there must be some secret Kardashian in my otherwise extremely white Northern European heritage. Let’s just say I’ve Googled “hirsutism” more than once. Look it up, people.
I used to watch as the gay hosts on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy forced dude after dude to hot wax his back and think, longingly, “If only someone would put me on a reality show and do that to my ass.”
Here’s a secret, women who are younger than me, and it’s one that no one ever tells you, so listen up: When you hit perimenopause, you are 90% likely to grow a she-beard. Also, a she-stache. THAT’S SCIENCE.
This is an open secret in my house. My girls have seen mom next to dad at the double sinks, Matt with his Norelco and me lathered up old school with my Venus Embrace quintuple-blade razor “for a whole new level of smoothness” as I “get ready for a shave fit for a goddess.” Which I totally call bullshit on because I am quite sure Aphrodite is NOT rocking the she-beard.
So I have always been curious about the claimed-permanence of laser hair removal, but damn, is it expensive. Then, like a gift in my inbox, appeared a Groupon for THREE SESSIONS FOR A LOW, LOW PRICE. I clicked “purchase” and the deal was on.
Pro Tip: I recommend buying the Groupons for medical and quasi-medical services like Lasik eye surgery, cosmetic dentistry, and anything involving hot pinpoint lasers aimed at your face. Nothing screams “highly qualified” more than a company so desperate to put asses in the seats that it is willing to discount its services 75% or more. Bonus points if they are located in a strip mall.
Laser hair removal is, essentially, hair follicle genocide. You recline on a dentist’s chair as the – let’s call her an “aesthetician”—rolls over the laser machine, which resembles nothing if not The Noo-Noo from The Teletubbies:
She put goggles on my eyes so I could pretend they were protected, and turned on the machine, which is as quiet and soothing as an MRI sans headphones.
Me: Will it hurt?
Her: Not really, it feels like mosquito bites. It’s good if you feel something, that means it is working!
She began zapping. I guess by “mosquitoes” she meant the biggest motherfucking mutant mosquitoes ever that she met while jungle hiking with Bear Grylls and which shoot hot needles into your face. Apparently, it was working.
Delighted, she held up a hand mirror so I could behold the results.
Her: Look at that black sludgy stuff! That’s a whole area of hair we killed!
Me: Um, that’s awesome and also can you wipe the sludge off?
Her: (Wipes off sludge)
Me: What about the red blotches?
Her: Oh, those will calm down in a few hours.
I’m not actually in the hospital in this photo, BUT I PROBABLY SHOULD BE.
If by “a few hours”, she meant 72, then yes, the red blotches calmed down. First, they blistered, then they scabbed over, and then, finally, I shed face-skin like a snake.
Because random coarse dark hairs on your chin? Disgusting. But third degree burns over two-thirds of your neck? That’s sexy.
I am soooo excited, though. My next appointment is in four weeks!
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I’m hooking up with the Yeah, Write blogging challenge again this week! It’s an amazing group of supportive bloggers who write and writers who blog. Join us! The challenge grid opens Tuesdays at midnight Eastern, and you can read 50 posts and vote on your five faves on Thursday. Or link up with the Hangout Grid to share your post without the competitive side. Anyone can read and vote so long as you promise to play fair and read everything, and not campaign for votes.
You know what else makes you sprout new, mysterious hair? Having children. As if it’s not dignity-zapping enough. Gah.
So…is it working??
Well, I can’t tell yet – maybe it just removed my epidermis?
You’re going back!? I guess I can just be thankful that mosquitoes don’t cause third degree burns.
Well, they say it works best with three sessions and who I am to question their medical advice?
Oh Reedster, I feel your pain more than you know. I actually DO have hirsutism and it’s a mother-effin’ bitch to deal with. If I don’t shave it, I will have a full on beard faster than my husband can grow one. I did laser removal too and this crap grew back. W-T-F? It’s like superhuman hair or something. And you’re right, that shit hurt like a mo-fo! You’ll have to take more pictures after each session and show us how it goes. Maybe I’ll get up the nerve to try it again! Anything is better than a she-beard at this point.
I will keep you posted… but you seem to have super-human hair follicles.
Ahh… this reminds me of the time I let someone try threading on my face. No, not the eyebrows. My whole face. It was a friend from the Middle East, who had recently come to the states. I was trying to be a “cultural ambassador,” if you will, so I agreed when she offered to show me her mad threading skills. While it didn’t hurt, I came out looking like I stuck my head in the microwave. My face was burning hot, sore, and bright red for two days. She later told me, “Yeah, that always happens the first time.” Uh, thanks for the warning…… after it’s done! Let’s just say that my first time was my last time. Hope you get back to your lovely self quickly!
I am so glad you disclosed this, as I have been tempted by the threading kiosk at the mall. Yes, a KIOSK AT THE MALL.
I want laser removal of my goatee SO BAD so I don’t sit on the couch picking out hair by hair with my fingers obsessively, refusing to use tweezers, but my hair is MOSTLY blonde and I heard it has to be black hair. I only have 70 or 80 of those.
Ummm yeah, they don’t tell you about the red bumps and all that other after effects when you decide to wax the first time either. After that business, I was tempted by the No No Hair Removal system. I called… then chickened out. Middle age means guys lose hair of their head and we sprout it on our faces… where is the justice??? lol
The No No Hair Removal system? Is this Canadian? More info, please!
Do it now because once they turn white/gray, the laser can’t see them anymore. You’re left with hairs that you can’t see, so you’re constantly rubbing your chin to find stray whiskers. Once in a while you’ll find one that is an inch long and NO ONE TOLD YOU! Make a pact with all your friends that if any of you are ever sick or incapacitated in any way, you’ll sneak into the room and pluck for each other.
I’m actually paranoid about that big, coarse white chin hair that I missed. I’m convinced the whole world can see it, even though I really need a magnifying mirror to see it.
Exactly. The clear gray ones can NEVER BE KILLED. It is best to have dark hair on white, white skin, so I am A PERFECT CANDIDATE. And also – it is my fear that I will be in a coma with huge hairs growing and no one will tend to them. Pact made.
Oh man, I’d love laser hair removal. And lasik. And coupons for both of those things…I’m not made out of money!
How is it that one night we go to bed with a normal looking a face and the next morning we can a a hair dangling from some spot on our face that is over two inches long?
OH NO. That looks torturous…I really hope it works so it wasnt all for nothing!! You are crazy brave!!
Judging by all the comments, this is not an uncommon problem. Unfortunately, I’m now going to need a laser to remove the mental image that all of you have burned into my mind’s eye.
Yeah, I was wondering what the male response to the disclosure of this secret life of women would be … Sorry to burst your bubble that we are all smooth as silk
Oh what women go through to look beautiful! I mean normal! I think I’ll stick with bleach! Probably get the same results, though! Seriously, you’re not going back!?
Ah, I remember the Jolen bleach creme!
I am now desperately searching for a groupon like this in my area for my nip hair.
Btw – I love you.
Because nothing says sexy like hair-free blistered tits.
I almost just spit out my drink at your response, Reedster. F-ing hilarious.
Lol, the last line is the best!
Also, I’m scared, when does this hair start appearing? Maybe I should start saving money now!
For me, it was like the day after my 45th birthday.
I had both armpits done and my bikini line back in the day and it was brilliant. The only downside is even though I went quite a few times, I have like 10 hairs, like 3 under each arm and 7 in various bikini line spots that JUST REFUSE TO DIE. They’re like zombie hairs. But, it is a hell of a lot easier to shave 10 hairs when you know you’ll be in public than it is to do the whole area. Now when I see stubble under women’s arms I’m like what IS that? And then I remember that used to be me too. Now my armpits are like a baby’s ass…
Oh, and it hurt like hell.
You are my hero! If I won the lottery I would do my whole body from the scalp line down. WORTH IT.
Dude — save your eyebrows and lashes. They did nothing to warrant extermination…
True. I got excited. I’ll don the goggles, for sure, plus some kind of shower cap.
christ on a bike!
yeah, uh, i’m half Italian. that’s all i’m gonna say about that. 
Fist bump, sistah.
I feel your pain. If I had three wishes, one would be for more wishes. The second one would be for all those nasty little white and black chin hairs to go away and never, ever come back.
And the third???
Great topic. I can’t even deal with it because I am sure dealing with unwanted hair will take more time than blogging, facebook and twitter combined. I can’t do it until my kids get to school. THen it will be on. SO ON.
Cindy,
My first suggestion would be to try a different place for your laser stuff. Second would be electrolysis. It takes longer, but it works. I’ve done it. I am currently having my bikini area lasered and i can see the results, but it hurts. and it does look red and awful for awhile. ice, sister. lots of it. they told me they can’t do my face b/c although some of the hair is darker, it’s not dark or coarse enough for the laser to get. Sigh. I hate being hairy. I hate it. and I’m so glad you were brave enough to post about it. I love you.
p.s.I have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome, which is why I am infertile, and one of the lovely symptoms is excess androgens, which = excess facial and body hair. GREAT!
xoxooxoxoxoxoxoxox
Oh Erin, you are so sensible. Maybe there will be a Groupon for a disreputable electrolysis provider…
I’m glad we’ve reached the stage where we’re giving coupons to shoot lasers at people. I’ve been waiting for the future for my entire life, and nothing says “future” like discount laser surgery.
I think we need a Hyperbole and a Half “Burn ALL THE HAIRS!” pic.
Hair removal jumped ahead of Lasik surgery on my “If I win the lottery” list.
And I have made a pact with a friend that if I am incapacitated, she will pluck my chin for me. She’s a beautician who doesn’t freak about helping out the local funeral parlor, so I know shee’ll see it through.
I keep eying the Groupons each time one if offered for eyelid tattooing – I rarely use make up to begin with, but now as a senior citizen, its hard to stretch out all that droopy skin to line the eyelids. But the same person keeps offering the groupon and I can’t seem to get past the concern about “can’t she get any customers?” Guess the English side of my heritage (the other is Italian) wins out the hair-gene contest because as I’ve aged even my eyebrows are thinning….
You crack me up!
Crap. This must mean I became middle aged at 26 because that’s totally when I got my she-beard. Lasers to the face? Totally on my bucket list.
Holy smokes, you can WRITE!
You had me laughing and laughing, so thanks for that.
I’m sorry that it was so terrible for you, but I think you are super awesome for blogging about it.
Thanks Dawn! We must laugh, or we would rant, and cry
Oh no! I’m not looking forward to growing a beard! I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna! Great post – at least you can still laugh about it. When does perimenopause begin? How much time do I have left….
For me, it was 45….
Laughed out loud at Eric’s comment! I have an email from my BFF to forward you that she sent after reading this post as she felt like since you and I are now real-life friends (take that Yeah Write people!
) it might sound better coming from me! So let me know where to send it!
This is awesome, by the way! Another slam dunk!
Thanks Ashley! You can email me at reedster@reedsterspeaks.com
What a coincidence! I received a cryptic text from my daughter this morning. It read, “Mom! I’m getting my vagina done!!! Just thought you’d want to know!”
After a few beats, I gave up trying to decipher and just asked WTH she was talking about. She got her va jay jay lasered!! And yes, it was with a Groupon.
The girl is so much more brave than I will EVER be.
It does suck how we suddenly sprout hair everywhere. Thankfully, mine is a lovely white-blonde color and I tell myself my chin hairs glint beautifully in the sun!
Enjoyed your post!
Oh my, hot lasers down there??
My hero! I laughed and laughed, as usual. You are brilliant. Hello? New blog design? Meet The Reedster.
What a funny post! Funny how, as we age, hair seems to increase on women and decrease on men. Or not funny actually.
It doesn’t decrease on men, it just relocates. You know, from head to sprouting out of the ears and nose.
I love everything about this. Except your red blotches and the pain…nah, I love that, too, because you make it funny. Hilarious as always.
Every time I see a Groupon for LASIK, I think that I wouldn’t want to be the patient of a surgeon who has stooped to opening a dollar store.
Wow you hit a nerve here — literally and emotionally. Thank you for your honesty. I’m in this club too and too chicken to do more than waxing and plucking and now think I’ll just stay with those based on the reporting and comments avove.. Was curious about threading too — maybe instead we can make our look the new look. How would we go about that? And how come women get saddled with this and men get to enjoy their facial hair scott-free?
Love it! I was SO happy to see that you posted on your adventure after you told me about it at Type A. I’m an obsessive plucker; maybe I’ll find a Groupon too!
SO FUNNY! Oh man, can I relate. I was well into college before I discovered waxing and successfully moved myself a little further down the evolutionary chart. I rocked the unibrow, though. From age 12 – 20. I would love to laser the crap out of my pits and chin. I call my chin hair my “billy goat hairs”. Somehow giving them a pet name makes them less annoying. Not really.
OWIE! bless your sensitive and abused skin. Can’t wait for the followup posts.
I love that it was slightly traumatic and yet you are gunning for more.
I am like that too much of the time.
Girl, you are single handedly bringing sexy back!
my friend in the salon business just bought a small one for her house. nothing says fun girls night like sitting on the couch zapping eachother’s pits and watching reality tv.
You can do this AT HOME?? That sounds safe and awesome.
I understand this and no way have I reached middle age yet. Going to second the comment that having kids somehow brings it on. I’ve been trying to figure out how to handle the new stache, which I can see but no one else can… yet. I hope. Ugh.
you know that “aesthetician” translates to “sadist” in several different languages, don’t you?
Deborah’s comment above is hilarious!
So is there an update? How is the she beard now? I’ve been waxing my eyebrows and upper lift for…well A LONG time and I’m 34. If I have to move onto my beard soon, that could be a problem…
It’s feelin’ pretty good! Plus bonus! No scarring! Next appt is in July – gotta make full use of my Groupon because I paid good money to burn my chin.
Groupons can be expensive. My girlfriend bought a Groupon for a mixed martial arts class and ended up spending a fortune on a chiropractor.
Last week I said to my daughter (she’s two), “Tessa, you have to promise that when I get older you will come visit me once a week and tell me if I need to go get my chin waxed. OK?”. She looked deep into my eyes and nodded solemnly, “OK Mom, I promise.” That’s what I’m afraid of – that my eyes will go and then I won’t even know that I have a problem anymore!
It cracks me up how many commenters (myself included) have made pacts with people to deal with their facial hair in the event of their incapacitation.
I love this! I’m in my mid thirties, just starting to find witch hairs on my chin and boobs…hee, hee. I recently got my first wax job done brazilian and legs…holy hell! When the beautician ripped off the first strip of my hooch hair I thought I was going to die, it felt like I was on fire. The things we do to be hairless, which will not come in handy when it’s the end of the world and no electricity and we have to try to keep warm because the planet will be cold…the things we women do.
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Have fun, you have to go 9 times for the treatment to be effective… I just finished my second treatment and I’m already suffering from PTSD. But it’s so worth it, right?….