UPDATE!
So honored that this post was voted in the Top 5 by this week’s Yeah Write blogging challenge readers, as well as a Lurker’s Favorite!
Last spring Matt and I watched Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead on Netflix. If you don’t know about this documentary, it’s a feel-good movie about how we are killing ourselves by eating crap and how we could find salvation and eternal health if only we would liquefy all our fruits and vegetables and drink them. And nothing else. It’s called a “juice fast.” Why, you ask? Why can’t we just eat regular food? Because when you juice things, you bring out the micronutrients . . . blah, blah, blah. I didn’t really listen. But when some non-physician dude in a movie tells me I should make everything into a beverage or I am going to die? I’m doing it.
No longer would we be stuffing our faces with Chik Fil-A every day of the week except on Sundays when Chik Fil-A is closed because of God. Never again would we come home from the grocery store with bags full of nothing but sausages and chocolate. We’d juice and juice and juice until we were so goddamn healthy it would make other people literally sick. Literally. We win.
Problem was, we didn’t have a juicer and damned if those things aren’t expensive. Oh sure, I could have picked up a cheap Osterizer at Wal-Mart, but we were going to be SERIOUS about this shit and no low-end juicer would cut it. We were going to be high-end juicer serious.
I hadn’t exactly budgeted for a big-ass juicer. Luckily, what we lacked in cold hard cash we made up for in Amex Rewards Card miles. Which, if you didn’t know, you can use on Amazon to buy shit. Figuring bigger was better I bought this Breville Juice ‘n’ Blend combo.
It's a juicer! It's a blender! And since the blender from our wedding doesn't even crush ice anymore – and since we would be drinking all our meals in liquid form – having a kick-ass high-end blender IN THE SAME MACHINE as our kick-ass high-end juicer seemed almost too good to be true. Because now WE COULD MAKE GREEN SMOOTHIES. Which, I’m told, also guarantee near-immortality.
I felt like telling Matt he might as well cancel our dental insurance because we’d be rolling sans choppers from now on. Who needs teeth when you are sucking all your nutrition through a straw? We were going balls out with this juicing thing. I went to the grocery store and pretty much just bought five of everything in the produce department. I didn’t even know what half the shit in my bag was.
There were “recipes” that came with the juicer. But seriously? It’s juice. How hard could it be? We’re not cooking sous vide here.
So we juiced.
There’s a reason they don’t sell warm celery juice at state fairs, or Yankees Games. Let’s just say I doubt it would be a crowd favorite, like Fried Snickers on a Stick. It tastes like crap. Actually, I apologize to crap. You probably taste better.
We juiced again, and this time I added a bunch of apples to it, and it tasted a little less like crap, but not so awesome that you’d want to drink exclusively it. And I thought: You know what else is a liquid diet? Baby formula. And you don’t see grown-ups slurping that down in movies. [Note to self: Make “Baby Formula Diet” documentary. Watch suckers actually do it. LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH.]
The juicer, months later, sits on our counter, like a statue, mocking me. Also, Matt almost immediately broke the seal on the blender, so the whole kale smoothies thing? A lost dream. Some friends recently borrowed the juicer for a week to see if they might want to buy one of their own and the juicer was all, “Whee!! Field trip!! See ya later, motherfuckers!!” but then the friends brought it back and were like, “Juicer? Meh.”
The good news? Dairy Queen Blizzards® are also liquid health in a cup. And they have a drive-thru.
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You know what makes a weirdly delicious juice combo? Beet + Apple. But be prepared because it can make your pee turn red, which can be a little scary if you’re not expecting it.
See, this can’t possibly be true. The delicious part. The pee? I believe.
I did the “master cleanse” in my 20s for four days one time. Easily the worst 4 days of my life.
“[Note to self: Make “Baby Formula Diet” documentary. Watch suckers actually do it. LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH.]” I love this part. I feel like we should get a group of people together and make a mockumentary based on this. haha
Yes. Next conference we attend together.
Oh. The next time I see you in person, Cindy, remind me to tell you my master cleanse story. I don’t want to ever documented in any kind of writing, but it is good.
We could talk by phone. I promise I won’t record.
I learned my lesson on fad diets and juice crazes after I did a 7 day juice fast a few years ago. Let’s just say it ended badly with me stuffing my face with pie straight out of the dish in the middle of the night. In the dark. In my nightie. Even the dog was scared to come near me. My body cannot give up food- especially crappy food. That does look like a nice juicer though!
We are thinking of giving the juicer away as a prize as an incentive for someone to finally buy our house. It makes a nice staging item.
I’m sad for those wasted AMEX points. You could have bought a treadmill/clothing rack.
I thought MannaHatta Mamma kicked booty in the yeah write blurb explaining department. Man, you blurbed, explained and invited. You are awesome!
Only because it is the most awesome blogging experience EVER. You’ve created something pretty amazing. And yeah, that treadmill is looking pretty good right now. I HAVE CLOTHES EVERYWHERE.
cindy!!!!!!!!
you crack me up so hard,
but seriously folks, don’t give up.
maybe once a week? or every other week at first!
so many good recipes!
try the smoothie machine part for watermelon, a little water and ice and fresh lime – YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!
no kid!
x
Sacha, I am so sorry for failing you. If the blender worked, I think I could possibly make the refreshing watermelon slushie you’ve described
Ooooo — refreshing watermelon slushie sounds like an excellent base for vodka — or champagne! No?
Bahaha. You know what actually IS so good? Peanut butter banana smoothies. Mmmmmmmmmmm.
See? That’s practically a Blizzard. #winning
I watched “Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead” and totally had the same reaction. Like, “YES! Look at that formerly obese, enthusiastic Australian guy! I AM GOING TO BASE A SUPER IMPORTANT HEALTH DECISION ON HIS ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE RIGHT NOW!” Only I didn’t have Amex points so I ground things up in a the food processor. The moral of the story is that celery juice doesn’t taste any better when it’s also full of weird, stringy fiberous chunks.
Apparently, this is the alternative way of making juice in a Vita Mix – you then strain the particles out with nylons or something. LIKE THAT IS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
A friend of mine watched that same documentary and is now trying to convince everyone that “green juice” actually tastes good. A brave friend that actually drank it said it tasted like grass clippings. I think I’ll take her word for it.
This was hilarious and that juicer looks fabulous sitting on your counter.
Thanks! We are now using it to stage our home, a la HGTV.
Here’s the problem I’ve always had with juicers: Why can’t I just eat fruits and vegetables and bypass putting the poor little things through centrifugal hell?
Right? It seems unnatural and cruel.
Make a Baby Formula Diet and watch everyone laugh made ME laugh! Awesome! Erin
The thing about green juice is that even when it is blended well and actually tastes good it makes me gag because YUCK. Can’t do it. Can’t be done.
Hhahhaa as soon as I saw you bought the juicer I knew this would end in badness.
It’s always obvious to everyone else.
I want a juicer. I never get to actually EAT any of the fruit I buy. It all goes the way of your bagged salads.
Yes, we regularly toss pounds of fresh produce. I think it just likes to visit us for a while.
My juicer “accidentally” fell off the counter and broke. No more stinkin’ beet smoothies for us!
Darn mocking appliances.
I hate when things take suicidal leaps to the floor like that! Like all my husband’s framed album covers when we moved in together. That was *sad.*
I just hope you held onto your dental insurance….
(note to self: skip that movie.)
My husband is also obsessed with buying a juicer, because his incredibly fit (read:HOT) friend is really into juicing, but I absolutely effing refuse to buy one because he will use it twice and then I will also have to stare at the God forsaken thing for the next five years, until I can sneak it into a garage sale pile.
Feel free to show him my post to dissuade him.
You have no idea how timely this post is for us. I have a post regarding this very topic in the can for Thursday. Same documentary as the perpetrator…
I am forwarding this post to my husband. Maybe it will get me out of having to spring for a juicer.
I think our friends had the right idea with easing in and trying out the whole juicer thing before buying. Or I bet you could find used ones on craigslist that have barely been touched. Can’t wait to read your post
If I had a blender/ juicer thing, I’d have blended Oreos with milk. It’s a complete meal, right?
It’s more along the Blizzard route. The route of sanity.
I was on a liquid diet for most of my 20′s – coffee and wine (& cigarettes!). I’m not sure why I stopped – I looked way better back then.
As usual, your post made me laugh.
See, that diet worked for me too in my 20s. Why did we change?
The baby formula diet! Love that. You should absolutely do that. You know people (and by people, I mean people not like ourselves) would totally go for it.
A big fat yes to the Blizzard. That is much better than warm celery juice.
Why do you keep it on your counter? I think it may be time to send it to that farm everyone sends their dogs to. Or perhaps it’s just a reminder to not jump on the documentary-influenced bandwagon in the future.
Sadly, I keep thinking, Maybe I’ll juice again.
I’m actually surprised I don’t have a juicer, only because my husband is addicted to buying kitchen crap off of infomercials. You name it, we probably own it. lol.
This is so hilarious! We have a juicer. It’s in the box, covered in dust! I didn’t realize all that produce was going to increase my grocery bill by $450 a trip. DO you know how many tomatoes it takes to make a drink? I don’t because we only had 3, and that only made a 1/4 cup of juice. WTH?
I know! Where are you supposed to keep these boxes and boxes of produce? And who has the counter space required to clean and chop? Don’t get me started on the time it takes to clean the juicer after you make said 1/4 of juice. It’s all very labor-intensive, besides the sucking factor.
Oh this was hilarious!
Sorry about your juicing experience, but thankfully you have survived while eating solid foods long enough to tell us this tale.
Haha.
Freaking hilarious!
I got sucked into doing Herbalife, which is drinking two meals a day. And it’s kind of a cult. You should totally check it out. Anyway, after 3 weeks I figured out it’s not the thing for me and had to break up with my Herbalife dealer. Totally awkward.
At least the blender doesn’t give a crap.
I feel like the juicer knows I broke up with it. But an actual Herbalife dude? Yeah, that’s like breaking up with the lady who cuts your hair.
“It tastes like crap. Actually, I apologize to crap. You probably taste better.”
I can only imagine how bad some of that stuff tasted. Actually, I’d rather not.
Great story!
The worst part is that it is warm, and the movie said to drink it quickly and not to chill it because you’d kill of these micronutrients blah blah blah.
Yep, we watched the movie and bought the juicer. It is sitting on top of my dryer. The few times we used it, the whole house smelled like a Christmas Tree fart…and we were following the recipes.
IT WASN’T JUST ME! Juicer manufacturers are the only ones who came out ahead on that. I smell a conspiracy.
Okay you’re two for two for me. I think you just may be my new favorite funny person. I just want you to like me.
I like you! I really like you! We are blog buddies now
Seriously, you are really funny. This made me guffaw. Bet that is a word you haven’t heard in a while, huh? Total SAT move by me, I know.
If I was going to be a veggie eater, juicing would be the only way I could stand them. Fortunately for me, I am not going to be a veggie eater, so all is well!
“Whee!! Field trip!! See ya later, motherfuckers!!”
LOVE it! This had me cracking up (and surprisingly curious about this whole juicer thing). Of course, I’d probably end up just shoving it full of bananas and ice cream and peanut butter and chocolate. No way would I be putting a bunch of kale (?!?!) in that thing.
is it bad that i’ve never attempted to juice anything? that i buy all my juice? that i will never do a cleanse? and that i use my blender/mixer as LITTLE AS POSSIBLE? mostly b/c i hate washing all the parts/pieces. um, can we call me lazy? LOL
I had a juicer and I remember developing a deep hatred of the pulpy crap you end up with. And I never juiced celery, thank goodness. But every now and then I think I might want to get another one. Thank you for reminding me that I should not! Fun post!
I was told that you could compost that pulpy stuff or “sprinkle it on salads.” Huh – either make it into fertilizer or EAT IT? Delicious.
hysterical. i really enjoyed reading this!
This post was hilarious! I think a lot of people have a “when I thought the juice fast would save my life” tale. I do. Did it for a week and waiting for what people kept telling me would be a “magic poo”. It never came. I kept hearing how much energy I would have and how my skin would start giving off an angelic glow and everyone would be in awe of my splendor. Never happened. I was just hungry and that juicer is a mo fo to clean. Have not used it since…
You didn’t come home with sausages and chocolate and try to juice that? Because I’m telling you, I bet there’s all *kinds* of micronutrients in Chic-Fil-A and it would be *totally* healthy if you just made a beverage out of it.
I doubt I would ever want to try the juice thing, but man I love shiny kitchen appliances and gadgets1
The thought of juicing simply turns my stomach… I cannot abide personally.
This is so funny. My vegan inlaws are coming this weekend and they are all JUICER JUICER JUICER and I am all BACON, CHEESE POTATO CHIPS. Thanks for the laugh.
We have a friend who always posts her child enjoying Kale smoothies on facebook. We are trying to figure out if child protective services needs to be called…
so funny!
the problem with a juicer is that a peanut-butter-and-bacon sandwich tastes like crap when it’s been juiced. you need the crispy/creamy thing to achieve sandwich nirvana. friends of mine swear by their juicer. they all mostly live in northern california and are the kind of people who think that bok choy in soy sauce is an appetizer.
AS IF.
This was just perfect. You put all the mocking I felt when my brother-in-law bought a juicer into a juicy easy to swallow funny as balls story. Brava! Can anyone really remain “high-end juicer serious” for more than 15 seconds? Ellen
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Thank you for:
1.saving my credit card points
2. saving me from wasting approx. 90 min watching that documentary
I will admit, I’ve been a fan of the green monster smoothies. Frozen banana, yogurt, milk, peanut butter, and as much spinach as you can toss in the blender. Quite yummy and not the least bit ass tasting.
Serious funny right here! SO GOOD. I try my best not to pimp my own ride, but I can’t help myself on this one: my very first ever post as a blogger was about GREEN SMOOTHIES! Don’t feel bad if you decide not to read it – I don’t click the “notify me of follow-up comments” button. http://justbeginfromhere.com/2012/05/16/sometimes-it-is-easy-being-green/