So I was counting down the days (hours, minutes, seconds) until the first day of school. This had nothing to do with attempting to work full-time from home while hosting the kids for two camp-less weeks. Oh, no! I was just super-excited for the kids to start their new school year adventures, of course.
Like me, Astrid gets anxious about being late, so I wanted to ensure she had a good amount of time to transition into her new room. School starts at 8:30. It was 8:13. We live three minutes from school. We’d be plenty early, lots of time to get used to new routines and meet new teachers.
The car was packed, everyone had on footwear, things were looking good. But as I stretched out my hand to turn the doorknob to leave, Akeyla piped up: “I have to go poopie.”
Being a once-a-week dumper, this process has been known to take upwards of a half-hour to complete. The math didn’t look good. I begged.
Me: Can you please hold it until we get to school? Sissy needs to be there for fourth grade. Just two minutes! [Because this seemed fair to the preschool teacher.]
Akeyla: No.
Me: Ok, hurry!
Akeyla: I will be super, super quick. I will push and push and push.
Astrid: MOM I AM GOING TO BE LATE!!! I HAVE NEVER BEEN TARDY!!! I AM GOING TO BE LATE!!!
Me (lying): We’ll be fine.
But as the minutes ticked down, my anxiety level rose along with Astrid’s. She donned her backpack and began nervously pacing around the mudroom, growing ever more distraught.
I needed back-up. So I called another mom and left a desperate message: “I need help! Something, something, man-dump, late, pick up Astrid, poopie, help?”
And voila! They practically apparated onto my driveway to whisk Astrid off, who was now standing on the back steps, backpack straps clenched in her white-knuckled fists.
Me and Akeyla? Well, somewhere around 8:47 – THIRTY-FOUR MINUTES LATER — she finished.
“DON’T FLUSH!” I screamed as I got a visual on the john. There had to be four pounds of shit in there and no way was it going down. It had to come out. I grabbed a bunch of plastic bags from Target and started scooping feces out of the toilet into them. I raced outside to the big can. And remembered it was garbage day. So I marched down our long driveway toting a literal sack of shit to the curb.
Then I poured bleach all over my entire body.
Then I plunged my hands into a cauldron of boiling water and marinated them in Purell, while reciting Lady MacBeth’s “Out damned spot!” soliloquy. Then I cut them off.
Key did a little dance of joy, practically levitating at her newfound lightness.
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Oh man. Poop timing always makes for a great story. My sister was very regular as a child. She would get off the bus somewhere between 3:55 and 3:58 and come running in the house screaming, “MOVE! I NEED TO TAKE MY 4 o’CLOCK POOOOO!”
OH. EM. GEE. This was so awesome. But totally not in a funny way, no. I feel your pain, I do. I only chuckled a wee teeny bit INSIDE. I might have let one LOL slip out but no one heard me I swear.
I love that you added “everyone had on footwear.” What is up with kids never being able to find their shoes? It irritates the shit out of me. No pun intended. Oh, and the Purell part had to burn; good thing you cut them off.
The shoes! The shoes! I have taken them barefoot before, tossing shoes in after them.
Check this out. I’m taking my youngest along with me today to Grandma’s to spend the night. The kid is dressed head to toe, but forgot shoes. We show up to Grandma’s with a backpack full of clothes, except no shoes and no undies. She rolled her eyes because yeah, we always forget somethign!
People should plan their lives around Akeyla’s poop schedule. Poor girl. I thought touching poop was over, but it has recently re-entered our lives. icky icky ew.
Yours was always regular – every time you came to my house
Have we had Key’s weekly poop okayed by a physician? ESPECIALLY since it involves reaching into a toilet to retrieve the build-up? That’s just plain wow.
Yes, yes, we’ve had medical attention, prescription fiber, fiber bars, raisins, carrots, apples, etc., etc. She’s regular. It’s just once a week.
I’ll take this as permission to blog about my last bout of food poisoning.
It’s all material, Joe.
Oh my, what a shitty morning.
It takes someone very talented to weave together Lady MacBeth, shit and back pack straps. You are that someone. That talented someone. I feel for your baby girl….I was a one-a-weeker until I was 38 years old. (I am 39.) Something about having a hard time letting go…. I tried everything too. Bless her. and you. There are worst maladies for sure, but it’s annoying and time consuming.
You are too sweet to call my random skipping over the hard drive that is my brain “talent.” I’m just wondering what sort of “changes” happened at 38? Juice fast?
I could feel your and your daughter’s anxiety building throughout your story – yikes! I also hate to be late and get panicky. I’m impressed you called and asked for help! i would have been yelling at my little one to hurry up and poop (cause that works so well). Nicely handled. And the Lady MacBeth references – genius!
ICK! Oh, the things I’m glad I don’t have to deal with, as a non parent.
I hope to G-d you are saving this post for her prom date.
Oh I am now.
I am totally going to direct anyone who’s all, “Oh, motherhood. It’s glamourous.” to this post. Great stuff! And OMG, a “once a weeker.” I had no idea that was a thing. EEK!
i always feel like cuing up Sheila E’s “Glamorous Life” at times like these.
Oh God yes – Sam was like that for EVER. And if he thought it was going to hurt, he’d hide in a corner and poop his pants, (Hide N Go S is a searchable term on my blog. And that S does not stand for Seek)
That is pure awesome. Yes – we did that until slightly after the 4th birthday. “Don’t come in here!” she’d singsong as she hid in a closet.
oh shit (teehee, get it?), i dread this with mine. she’s pooped in the toilet once- and it took 45 minutes!
just please tell me you didn’t really scoop the shit out!
Christina, it’s all nonfiction.
Poop has horrible timing around here, too. What is up with that? You’d think it would be less of a jerk what with its horrible reputation. Every time we have to do something else, poop always makes an entrance just to stress everyone out.
I’ve never heard of people only pooping once a week and it being ok. But I did once have someone I barely knew and didn’t like make me hear a never ending story about going to the ER for constipation and feeling like “a turd trapped in a human body.”
And thus concludes my comment.
That sounds super uncomfortable. Believe me, I’ve timed hers before waiting and if we hit an hour I was going to go in.
Poor Astrid — I am totally that kid — I would have been freaking out about being late, too. And poor Akeyla — how uncomfortable for her. And poor you, because you’re stuck between late and poop and neither solution was good, so good on you for calling a neighbor. Now I’m panicked because I don’t have a neighbor and so we;d just have to be late, which would make us all nuts… Gah!
Wow. That’s horrible. At least you were able to find the light side of it. erin
If you can’t find the laughter in scooping crap out of a toilet, well…..
Sometimes folks can’t fathom all the little “joys” of parenting. This is classic!
This is why I love blogs. Because “normal” is sooooo much more broad than most people realize. This is why my pediatrician looks at me funny when I worry that my child is so skinny. They see such weirder things that they don’t do anything about, either, like once a week poopers that clog the toilet! Thanks for sharing your “normal” with such style.
You better bury this one deep – your child is going to kill you for it! Ahh, the joys of motherhood.
This is the funniest not funny story I’ve read all day! I don’t know how she does it but you deserve a medal. I’m on the purification regimen too though, after all the dog poop I have to deal with…
This was so funny!! And what can you do? If she had to go, she had to go! Thank God your neighbor was available
You are SO BRAVE! I go through the Clorox/boiling water/amputation routine every time someone even mentions the words “head” and “lice” in the same sentence, never mind scooping up four pounds of poop. Hilarious post, and I’m still laughing about your thongs post from last week!
This was truly priceless and I’m so glad I got the opportunity to read it. Don’t we all wish for a four pound dump. Okay, some of us do. Thank goodness for the neighbor who understood a cryptic message. Cut them off! Stellar job here!
(found you via bloggess) aww man now I really fear potty training! And understand your need to bleach and bathe…my son has found the “beach” that is in the laundry room…yep…the litter box and can’t comprehend why mommy runs at mach speed screaming nooooooooooo! and shoves him into the sink for 3 doses of soap and then purell.
Bahahaha! I am LOLing! I mean cackling!
I’m glad you cut your hands off because when you’re scooping up poop so early in the morning, there is just no other way to sanitize.
Great post! Once a week! Woah! Gabe find his swimming lesson a very “moving” experience – invariably at around the 15 minute mark he yells at the top of his lungs “I have to go poopie!”. I smile at his instructor and send him off, dripping wet, to the toilet. Luckily he only takes about 5 mins – being a once a day guy.
As a novice, I’m just a little curious: Is manually scooping 4 pounds of feces out of the toilet better than giving the old plunger a workout?
I was a pediatrician before I was a radiologist specializing in kids’ radiology. I did way too many barium enemas for constipation, which is almost always related to potty training. The kids hold it because they are busy and don’t want to go. The poop builds up and then it hurts to go, so they hold it because it would hurt to go.
If the poop is big enough around to clog the toilet, then action is needed. This is abnormal and will continued to cause problems as it gets bigger and harder, and harder to push out. The anus can tear and then it will hurt even more to go. It’s a vicious cycle. The way to “fix” this is controversial. My pediatrician had me give my daughter mineral oil (which I mixed with yogurt so that she wouldn’t accidentallty get it in her lungs) at bedtime until she couldn’t hold the poop in at all. Then we tapered off until she was going regularly with solid poop, to give her rectum time to shrink down. The poop should be long like a snake and not round or toilet-clogging.
Fluids are as important as fiber to prevent constipation. And the other important thing is to have the child take advantage of the “gastro-colic reflex” by trying to go after eating. I had to schedule meals early enough so that there was time to poop after breakfast, before we had to leave. So, we always eat first and then get dressed. They must go when they feel the urge, or they can’t go later.