The blogger version of phoning it in is the “round-up post.” And since I am still nursing a concussion, I’m so phoning it in this week.
I explained to Matt that the round-up post is when the blogger just updates stuff or randomly makes a list of other shit she’s read and often it’s bullet-pointed, which appeals to the left-brain in me. And he says, “You know what this reminds me of? THE FEEDBAG.”
If you’ve never read David Sedaris’s book Me Talk Pretty One Day, what kind of loser are you? Do you hate to laugh? Go download it immediately.
Wait, not immediately. First, you have to read this post and leave a loving comment. Then linger awhile in The Reedster Speaks archives, upping my page views so that when I obsessively refresh my site analytics, I’ll know you were here. Then go to the top corner of this page and subscribe to The Reedster Speaks. Because then you will always get my posts in your email inbox the instant they are published. And follow me on Facebook. And Twitter. Heck, see my “Like I’m Ever Going to Do This” board on Pinterest and follow that. What I’m saying is: Love me. Stalk me.
Anyway, back to David Sedaris and The Feedbag. So he tells a story in the book about when he taught writing and had no clue and no lesson plans (been there, done that), so instead he started each day with “Celebrity Corner”, in which the class gossiped about famous people, followed by “The Feedbag Forum”, “my shameless call for easy, one-pot dinner recipes”, and ending with “Pillow Talk”, recaps of soap operas.
So yeah, the round-up is essentially a blogger without a plan.
First, my face. I broke it when Oscar, Matt’s dog, tried to murder me. I didn’t know you could get a face concussion, but YOU TOTALLY CAN. And then two days later I had to go to Camp China with Astrid, an annual event where families who’ve adopted children from China gather for three days of fun, cultural activities, and a camper talent show, which is so cute it hurts my heart. One girl played the violin to “Pumped Up Kicks” and it was so sweet I almost forgot the song was about a massacre. I looked like this:
Barely anyone asked, “Where is your husband?” because it was clear that I was on the run from him.
Next up, let’s bury the horrible in the middle of the post. I witnessed an almost-murder and the police called it a “domestic dispute” and the day after, WHICH WAS MY BIRTHDAY, PEOPLE, the news is all “police searching for the dude” and the day after that it was still all “police searching for the dude” and now when I Google I get nothing. So I have no idea if they caught him. Also, it rained really hard so I didn’t have to wash my van.
Third: For my 47th birthday, I threw myself the biggest pity party EVER. And this was before the nose-breaking incident. Matt was out of town and I had just witnessed an awful thing and it was my birthday and the kids are all “Make us a supper! Make us a supper!” So I ordered my own damn cake with “Happy 47″ on it and forced the kids to sing to me. And they didn’t like my cake so in the next three days I ate ONE CAKE.
Finally, I won a prize! Which totally makes up for not winning the truly exquisite “Shell Creatures Playing Poker” that I wanted with all my heart over on Cannibalistic Nerd. My post “Do the Right Thing,” on what it means to witness and to make choices in an instant, was chosen for the Jury Prize in last week’s Yeah Write Blogging Challenge. Thanks Jury!!