Listen, grasshoppers, and I will tell you how to become a great writer like The Reedster, in two simple steps.
1. Create a sacred space for writing. Make this a special realm where you will be conditioned to write, just like Pavlov’s drooling dogs, merely by crossing its threshold. Something like this:
It’s like a motherfucking retreat in here.
2. Sit down and write. Create a writing routine, so that the words will flow automatically from your rote schedule.
When I was just a wee lawyer, I worked with an attorney named Andy. Andy would come to work and make a beeline for his office, avoiding his colleagues and their penchant for rehashing “Simpsons” and “Beavis and Butthead” episodes. He would sit straight-postured at his chair, turn on his computer, and type. I asked him once how he came by this work ethic and he shouted at me, nary an eye turning toward the doorway where I stood, “You can’t get to page 2 until you write page 1!”
Andy was never my role model. I liked to follow The Van Kirk Rule, oft-recited by my office-mate Bob. Bob liked to play over-the-door basketball and pen long, hilarious emails to his friends. The Van Kirk rule went like this:
If there’s a 90% chance you’ll have to do something, and a 10% chance you won’t, go with the ten percent.
And so, unless I have a gun-to-the-head deadline, here is my writing routine:
1. The morning is my most productive time, so right off I like to choose my five allotted daily pins on Pinterest. Because if you go on and pin fifty things, people think you aren’t working. Instead, people look at me and think “She’s so reasonable with her Pinterest use. She must not be wasting time.”
2. Next, I check Facebook and think up my one clever post or photo for the day. You don’t want people to think you are always on Facebook. You can stay on Facebook, of course, but just not update your status. You can, for instance, obsessively refresh the page to see how many people have “liked” or “commented” on your witty post.
3. Twitter is next. I think up a funny tweet for the day. Then I come back to check if it has been favorited, responded to, or retweeted. Because my ego is tiny, people. Gems like this:
4. Now I’m on to my to-do list. The first item? Check email. Whaddya know? Yep, I have email. Done! I take my Sharpie and cross it off.
5. Completing Task No. 1 of the day deserves a celebration! Time to visit the kitchen and eat Nutella from the jar with a spoon.
6. Repeat Steps 1 through 5 as needed until 5:29.
At 5:30, begin writing just as Matt and the kids pull into the driveway. Rage at the sky as you lose your brilliant thought.
Tomorrow? Begin again.
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Yeah Write, “the rockingest writers’ challenge on the web.” ~ The Reedster
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Linking up with Mama Kat’s Pretty Much World Famous Writer’s Workshop for this week’s prompt #5 ~ “Share your writing process. How long does it take an idea in your head to get published on your blog?”
Your office at home looks frighteningly like my office at work. Clearly we have great minds. Your Pinterest strategy is brilliant!
That was actually an end of the academic year shot. It’s cleaner now only because we are selling the house.SHOWTIME and all that.
My approach is very similar. Rather than actually thinking about things and working out what to write, I just repeat to myself, “it’ll come to me, it’ll come to me” in increasingly desperate and noisy tones. That way, any and every thing I do is a part of the process since it can come to me at any moment. I’m down to one non-Super Friends post a week, and I’m barely getting that done, but it’ll come to me, it’ll come to me.
The fact that you have a Superfriends post each week cracks me up. “Tom, stop bothering me! I’ve got to get the goddamn Superfriends post done!”
1) I respond just because the squeaky wheel needs the grease (at least that’s what James Taylor says. Whatever, James)
and
2) I totally have tempered my FB posting…not so much because I worry that people will think i’m on too much (I totally am. I like to think of my obsession as “keeping up” Whatever, Bill) , but because I want my posts to have WEIGHT. Don’t want to dilute the pool…
3) I don’t tweet because I don’t understand the little blue bird. Should I learn?
This is why I try to do just the one post per day. Because words from The Reedster’s fingertips are GOLD, people. (Also: Walk away from the Twitter. It will only bring you heartache.)
Crying with laughter. That totally works for me. Even better would be if you told Matt when he came in the door that you just need “5 more minutes” to finish your work and then somehow turn that into an hour before bedtime!
I was really depressed that it seemed I should tweet 5-6 times a day until I downloaded tweetdeck and scheduled them. Now it APPEARS I’m lazy, when really I’m working.
Which is even more depressing.
I’m too lazy to learn to use Tweetdeck …
I really made a mistake when I didn’t get Nutella at the grocery store today.
Cookie butter can easily be substituted.
I may regret asking this, but What On Earth Is Cookie Butter?
Nichole, my life began – and my waistline ended – the day I discovered cookie butter. Knowledge comes with responsibility. Just be careful.
Never regret asxing anything cookie-related. We’ll be able to buy this delicious treat once our Asheville Trader Joe’s opens!! http://traderjoes.com/fearless-flyer/article.asp?article_id=561
And should your region happen to be TraderJoe-challenged, I have two words for you: Biscoff. Spread. And then two more: You’re Welcome.
I demand complete silence when I write, but I also demand that my husband sit in the room with me, so that when I can’t think of anything good, I yell at him for breathing too loudly.
I am sending myself an email to remind me to share this on Twitter when I get home and escape the confines of a firewall. That’s how much I liked it.
Aw, thanks Liz!! Firewalls can’t contain The Reedster!
What? You, too? Haha This entire process sounds eerily familiar. I’m so glad I’m not the only one!
Awesome! The productive guy in your office reminded me of a certain relative of mine who used to say repetitively, “Just write one page a day and at the end of the year you’ll have a book!” Just in case you didn’t know how that worked. . .
It’s just that easy. Why do we struggle??
Yo, that was totally RAD! (Sorry to steal your thunder, Melisa). I did kind of want to see the maple bar version though. I would never have been able to go from “no idea” to the grid so fast. You are my hero!
I do feel like my days are full of on line distractions too. I like the way you (sort of) control yours! I especially love the way you made a list fit all of the rules. Don’t think I could have done that!
If I’d had a bigger word count I would have included the step about having 249 interactions on Twitter w/other Yeah Write bloggers about not being able to write. And Maple Bars. And Urban Slang. Cuz that’s how I roll.
If you could somehow work in the following line “don’t hate the playa, hate the game” in any round twos on this topic, but somehow make it relevant to the writing process, really, that would be rad.
like a BOSS.
Sounds like a typical day in the life of a busy, clever writer. I love that you start as they are walking in the door then lose your thought. Hey, your office looks familiar!
Your writing space is great, your post is funny, and oh how true it is that our egos are tiny.
But what I like most? You eat Nutella with a spoon…oh…I like you!
I wish I could have a sacred place for my writing. Right now it’s done on the couch while constantly being interrupted by toddlers fighting, crying, or needing a butt wiped. Sigh. One day, one day!!
I used to be an epic facebook poster now I am an epic redditor…don’t go there…you will never find your way out again!
My husband enters the rabbit hole that is reddit every night. I’m afraid, very afraid.
I am so frightened! I am about to be sucked even further into the social network deal because I’m being convinced it is somehow good for business. I’m not convinced, but I’m following the crowd since the crowd isn’t following me anywhere. I feel so desperate for “real people” contact that the poor road service guy who jumped started my car yesterday in 103 degree heat, was polite enough to laugh at my wit while I passed him tissues to wipe the sweat from his brow! I think I’m destined to be one of those old bag ladies who just walks up and down and talks to the birds.
I like the way you think lady! Visit me, we can have ice cream together while we chat about all the work we’re going to do.
I assume I can play on my Droid while we do this?
I love your writing approach. You must be doing something right because your posts are great.
I love this, especially the part about staying on facebook and refreshing to see if anyone likes or comments on your stuff…ha! Facebook & twitter are quite addicting. As is Nutella from the jar. Think I will go search in the pantry for mine.
I have days like that, when everything seems wrong just right up until the moment before I can’t write. And by then, it’s too damned late. I hate days like that.
You’ve just described every day I’ve lived for the past three months. Substitute Nutella for movie boxes of candy and we’re twins.
Sno-Caps? Raisinets?
This is hilarious. I love your Pinterest boundaries. Need those. Also, love having a peek at your lawyer life. Related to that as well. As always, your voice is clear and hilarious– the best kind of voice.
That was when I worked for the government. You might have been able to tell by the basketball hoop. Not a lot of those when I worked at the big Manhattan firm.
Not only was your post clear and well written, it had me laughing and saying “OMG I want to be ,like her when I grow up!!11!!!ONE!!”
Such a good job.
All of you ladies who were so “stuck” last night sure came up with some gems!!
I hope that “I want to be like her” was sarcastic, Dawn. Except maybe about the Nutella. Because that rocks.
So not sarcastic. Neither was that. Or that…. or what a tangled web I weave…. Haha.
You are made of win and awesome, who doesn’t want to be like that? Especially a n00b like me!
Brilliant strategies, hilarious delivery. I ate up every word! And not even Nutella would have made it better. Will you write my post next week?
I don’t think you’d want to go through that agony!
It’s a little creepy how you climbed in my window and took a picture of my study and THEN got the crumpled up outline detailing how Erin and I actually write.
You’re pretty freakin’ hilarious for a home invader. Ellen
I heart you. I really do.
Mwah!
ah the myth of the “home office.” you blew that one wide open, lady. have you read Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird? Her description of what she does before she writes cracks me up – and reminds me of this post. I urge you to try a little nutella on vanilla ice cream, or perhaps w/peanut butter in a sandwich–it’s like a haute cuisine reeses cup. I mean, so I’ve heard. I’ve never actually DONE these things.
Love “Bird by Bird.” I know there are disciplined writers who actually allot 8 hours a day to write. I am not one of them. I’m a flash of inspiration writer, and god help me if I’m not by a computer when that happens….
Get outta my head/life of procrastination and social media addiction. Hilarious, as always, Reedster! Way to power through this week and kill it, yo.
This is great. My approach to writing is very to yours except with more last minute panic and less Nutella. I love how you consistently bring the funny. The world needs more funny. I feel like there’s this notion out there in the either that in order to be a good writer one must be a Very Serious Writer. Which is totally not true. You’re living proof.
Bwahahaha! Loved it Reedster! Glad you finally got it written! You give me and my no-posting butt hope for the future!
I love the ending. I always wait until I’m almost out of time then curse that I don’t have time to finish. So fun!!