For many years, I didn’t declare myself a member of a political party. This may come as a shock to some who are certain I am a radical feminist coming to get their guns, but I had commitment issues. I was, in the musical stylings of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, In-DEE-pen-dent.
Since North Carolina doesn’t have open primaries and I very much wanted to vote against the noxious anti-gay marriage Amendment 1 last May, I finally had to fess up: I’m a Democrat. Turns out, the only Republican I’d ever voted for anyway was Rudy Giuliani.
I almost never post about politics on Facebook, because seriously? You are either high-fiving your friends who agree with you or pissing off your family members who don’t. It’s not like thoughtful, rational dialogue ever ensues. “Oh, you believe that Obama is a Muslim? Did you know George Bush is Hitler? Let’s compare recent academic studies over coffee.”
There’s one exception to my no-politics rule: gay rights. This issue, to me, isn’t political at all. It’s an issue of civil rights – of human rights – as all issues of bigotry are. I’ve blogged about it here and here.
So I didn’t hesitate to share my friend Bill Dameron’s Huffington Post piece the other day on Facebook: “Dear Straight Friend: Facebook Ground Rules From Your Gay Friend.”
The piece hit me so viscerally – this is what it is like to be a gay man in a loving marriage and to have your friends and family support politicians and restaurant owners who are vehemently opposed to your rights. Who are proud to discriminate against you, to foment hate against you, to marginalize you, to threaten you, to call you a sinner or a faggot. Who are scared of you and afraid you will somehow turn their kids gay with your “lifestyle” and “agenda.” Who will flaunt their decision to eat waffle fries at Chick-fil-A in the name of free speech, while disavowing your right merely to live and love without interference.
For Bill, and for so many in the LGBT community, their very personal decisions to live authentically have become a political act.
Once I shared Bill’s post, the people who I know support gay rights “liked” and commented, as expected. But then I got a backlash. I received several private messages from conservative friends who felt the post went too far – that they were being called “spineless jellyfish” merely for supporting the Romney/Ryan ticket; that they had to tiptoe around their friends so as not to be thought politically incorrect for their views; that the election was about so much more than marriage equality; that they were offended by the article.
I thought about how to respond. I hate the way argument has replaced discussion; the way the election year has been commandeered by slick ads and corporate money and people shouting at each other. So I wanted to respond calmly, to find a compromise, maybe even to say that I was sorry for something. I mean, I was raised Catholic.
But the truth of it is, I’m not sorry if my sharing Bill’s article offended you, because Bill and his husband are offended, hated, and feared by people every single day simply for who they are. The human rights of my gay and lesbian friends, family members, students, colleagues, and clients are something I will NEVER keep quiet about.
I know there are lots of other issues at stake in this election. I can evaluate different sides to solving economic, educational, and health care problems. I can make rational decisions and have logical discussions about taxes, immigration, or foreign policy.
I can’t do that with gay rights. There are no sides. There is a right and there is a wrong and I’m unapologetic about that. I get a sick-to-my-stomach feeling when I see what my gay friends and family members endure daily just to live their lives. I will NEVER stop fighting for equality.
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A-freaking-men.I’m so sharing this. (Not just regular sharing this, mind you. SO sharing this.)
I agree 100%! Thanks for writing it down. You rock, Cindy!
Speechless. Exactly.
you are amazing. XOXOXOXOXO LOVE YOU!
Yes. Yes. And yes. I love you.
Word up, Reedster.
Nothing to add here – you’ve said it wonderfully!!
Awesome…. well said! Love it!
Hugs,
Your New Gay Friend…
Let’s get coffee and stuff! ~Your new straight friend
Hear, hear. I agree 100%. My family & I agree 100%.
Allies are so very critical. Thank you. This is awesome.
This is exactly how I feel. Thanks for putting it together so eloquently.
Cindy, you have done the world a service. Thank you for speaking out! For my cousin, for my friends, fo all those who are “wired” differently than the majority. All need our support!
Well done, you. I agree with you 100% and have written about this topic on my own blog several times as well. Aside from “Liking” Obama on FB, I also don’t go throwing around my political opinions, but damn straight, this is one area where I have a voice and am not afraid to use it. I am not pro-politics, I am pro-love, and everyone deserves to have it without ridicule or judgment. Alright, fine. I have inappropriate love for maple bars and I can’t blame you if you judge me just a little.
RE the maple bars? I think you were just born that way, Mel.
It amazes me that even among my liberal friends and family, who would be horrified to hear someone tell a racist joke, it’s still somehow okay to make an anti-gay joke. And they get all “wha…?” when I call them on it. I think–I hope–that the uptick in anti-gay rhetoric (Chick-Fil-A, etc) has to do with increasing public acceptance – it’s a paradox along the same lines as the rhetoric about controlling women’s bodies increases as women gain more public power. Threatened people behave badly. Now, why a gay marriage or gay parents adopting children threatens ANYONE is a question I can’t answer. More love, rather than less love, seems like a good idea given the state of the world. http://mannahattamamma.com/2011/08/whose-family-values-are-they-anyway-happy-adoption-day/
“Who will flaunt their decision to eat waffle fries at Chick-fil-A in the name of free speech, while disavowing your right merely to live and love without interference.” EXACTLY! Can’t we take heart that the tide is turning? I don’t remember the statistics, but even in teh past 10 years, we’ve gone from a minority to a majority supporting gay rights. If past is prelude history will be on the side of human and civil rights.
Yep – I think we are in the final throes of a big shake-up in paradigm.
thanks for this, cindy…it warms my little gay heart, especially in the face of some serious dumbassery that’s been happening on FB.
i have tried to be the face of “queer family” to many of my acquaintances who may have never spent time around anyone who was not straight. i try to ooze normal to the point that it makes me question why i’m trying so hard for people who would just as soon see my kids land in foster care than with mandy, if Something Terrible happens.
it’s hard to see folks choose this amorphous concept like “the economy” which, last time i checked didn’t have a FIX-IT button, over real people living in real states who don’t give a shit about keeping families together.
bitching aside, it’s heartening when allies speak out…big love to you!
This comment practically breaks my heart: . “i try to ooze normal” Like you are a rep for gay people every day of your life, working overtime to prove yourself every single second. love you back, sweetness.
it’s the same feeling of working twice as hard if you’re a woman in a man’s game, you know. oh, if only repping for the gays was a paying gig. i would so jump on that.
Yay, Cindy! I loved Bill’s piece, and this is a great follow-up. My precious, awesome, loved-to-bits stepdaughter is gay (and also patrolling the streets as a Texas cop protecting the rest of our sorry butts) and I can’t even begin to see this as a political issue — that’s our girl you’re talkin’ about, you Republican creeps! So quit it, okay?
Cindy, shame on you for making me cry this early in the morning.
You have done such a wonderful job expanding on my post. What I felt to be a rather reserved “Dear Friend” letter included points such as “vote for who you want, but tell them you don’t support their anti-gay policy” and “don’t make gay jokes” met with a surprising (and shocking) amount of resistance. Even some people in the gay community told me they thought it was funny when their straight friends made gay jokes about them and that I was being too sensitive. But it’s not OK, it perpetuates a stereotype about all gay people and while I can handle it, there is a gay child somewhere who cannot and so I’ll be his/her voice.
I love you for this post. Amazingly, you, who I have never met in person, will stand up and support me, while some members of my family still condemn me. We need the world to change, and you and your beautiful words just helped to make some change.
xoxo,
Bill
Ok now everyone is crying! I was shaking a bit on this post while I wrote it, and then went through about eight drafts to tone it down. I really didn’t want to rant, but I wanted to convey a bit what it must be like to be the real people on the other side of all the vitriol. I wish people could listen and truly hear each other. I feel a bit of a paradigm shift under our feet. xoxo, C.
Bravo Cindy! I also loved Bill’s post and refuse to keep quiet. It’s so fundamental. You said it perfectly and beautifully.
Love this post and love Bill’s reaction to it.
Ok, that ending was better than the one I suggested.
Great post, Cindy.
Um, your idea had, um, merit…
Fellow Catholic. Sorry. You know, for stuff.
In all seriousness, I’m feeling the same way. This is one issue that I don’t care who I offend. My brother was gay, and I cannot imagine telling him he’s somehow weird for wanting to love. And though Romney and others have other points in their platform, that they would treat this as an agenda item instead of a human rights issue speaks volumes to me.
I want to hug you. To death. I’m sorry.
Thank you for posting this.
I wondered during the whole Chick-fil-a mess what it felt like to be a young gay teenager working inside that restaurant that day and feeling the long line of hate wrapped around the building. Suffocating, I imagine. Or, a child of gay parents, driving by and seeing all of those people lined up to say that your family is not as legitimate as theirs. Did the people in those lines think of those people, those families, those kids? Would they have been lined up if that restaurant establishment had donated millions to the KKK?
I stand with you in your fight for equality.
AMEN to absofrigginlutely *everything* in this wonderfully written piece on HUMAN RIGHTS. it’s 2012 FFS!
I am truly touched by your article, Cindy. As a gay woman, I can attest that merely living each day is a political act whether I like it or not. It’s one of the best ways we can effect change, just by being ourselves and talking to people. Living in North Carolina is ‘quite interesting’ and although Asheville is fairly liberal we are surrounded by very conservative folks, as I’m sure you know. I have had many conversations with them, hopefully educating them by example in a non-threatening way. If the subject turns to gay rights, we don’t usually agree, but we do hear each other and listen. So I am encouraged by that and try to hang onto it. It is true that when major change is about to happen, the resistance to it strengthens and gets ugly, which is important to remember so we can get through this awful period in history with a positive result. And on a further encouraging note, some of my family members have actually turned Democrat based on social issues, when they previously voted primarily on fiscal issues. I never thought I’d see that day!. It felt awful to know that my family was essentially voting against me, choosing money over my life.
So, I’m WITH you on speaking out! And may I add, it’s so nice to have someone who is straight do it as well – thank you!!!
ps. You made me tear up too; and I threw my kids’ Health Adventure t-shirts that had Chick-Fil-A on them as a sponsor in the garbage, explaining it to my kids who happily participated!
This is perfect. Makes perfect sense, gives perspective. I’m sure you had much more you could have said, but I think you did it just right. Bravo!
Fan-Freakin-Tastic. Sharing with everyone I know, both your blog and the one you shared that stirred up the controversy. I’m right there with you—this is a civil rights issue. Thank you for sharing.
This is, well, I don’t know what to say that hasn’t already been said. I wholeheartedly agree with you. Well said. So well said. A big yes and an amen from me.
This is a civil rights issue, not an issue of “political correctness,” which is the lamest term ever. I live in Iowa (the first state to approve gay marriage) and trumpeted that victory loud and long on my facebook and I’m pretty sure that a number of my friends/family were annoyed. But they can be annoyed as long as they want because it’s not something I shut up about, either. The rest of the political blah-blah, yes. But not this and not ever.
Whenever friends/family/neighbors would ask to post political signs in my yard, I would say, “No. Thanks. I don’t feel the need to trumpet my political beliefs to passing motorists.” Until this year. Now, there is a Vote No sign in my yard. This time, I’m letting my fellow Minnesotans know what I think, because a few decades ago, my Asian-Causaian family was illegal for fear it would destroy marriage. And no, I do not think gay marriage is the start of a slippery slope. Reasonable people know the difference between a man marrying a man, or a woman marrying a woman, and man marrying a turtle or a woman marrying ice cream.
Amen, sister Cindy. I’m right there with you. As always, well said!!!!!
United we stand – UNITED WE STAND! So well put. I do not understand where all the division is coming from – and the fear. Yet in my own disgruntlement with the rhetoric I find myself as guilty of “anti-otherside” and losing my ability to listen – to try to understand – to help educate. Its good to hear a non-hysterical voice of reason.
Thank you. Thank you for helping one Mom of a gay child sleep a liitle better tonight. The hotbed of the current political environment has sometimes scared me more than usual. It helps to know that my daughter lives in a world of hope not just in a world so full of fear.
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Bill’s piece was wonderful and so was yours. Well done. I couldn’t agree with you more.
I know right. Marriage equality is so important to me. I don’t care if people are offended by that at all. I’m offended by their attempt to infringe on someone’s civil rights.
Nice post – well done. Just a quick FYI that we’ve had gay marriage up here in Canada for quite a while and we haven’t gone to hell in a hand-basket (that I’m aware of). It’s commonplace. No biggie. I can’t even tell you when that became legal – it was that much of a non issue.
Last time I checked we weren’t all “turned gay”. But maybe I missed the meeting.
I don’t know you but you have amused me frequently in the past. Now you inspire me. I live in Wisconsin with my own little one from the land of coffee but I work in Minnesota. We will be getting ourselves some activism on.