I remember when I was a solo practitioner as a lawyer and every case I got felt like the last paycheck I would ever receive. I never realized that I would feel the EXACT SAME WAY about my blog readership, even though I make, um, approximately zero dollars from The Reedster Speaks. Which is a SHAME, I tell you, because every word I write is GOLD. But when I don’t have time to post, I feel like each hit on the blog is the last reader I will ever have.
I haven’t had time to post much and I see my analytics falling off until it appears that only weirdos searching for things like “mom thongs” or “moms in thongs” or “real moms wearing thongs” or “thong moms” or “is it normal my girlfriend would rather wear thongs than grannie panties” are reading my blog. Let’s just say thank God for my “Real Moms Wear Thongs” post or I would be out of business.
So here’s a quick post to update you on all things The Reedster.
We’re Moving!
You may recall from my post “Eat from the Box, Drink from the Carton” that we listed our current house last spring and went through SHOWTIME! after SHOWTIME! in an attempt to convince someone to buy it. And yay! We sold, we bought, and we move on Sunday. We are downsizing and I am pleased to report that come November, I will write a check for a mortgage half the size of our current one, for a newish house that still has a whole lot of magic.
It’s Halloween!
In between packing, starting a huge work project, throwing a “Princess and the Frog” gymnastics party for Akeyla’s 5th birthday, and taking a quick jaunt for business to New Jersey, where, no shit, my view out my hotel window looked like this —
The Garden State.
— I’m also pulling Halloween costumes out of my ass. Luckily Akeyla will wear whatever princess costume we happen to have balled up in the dress-up box. Astrid, on the other hand, requires an Edith Head touch and only Academy Award winning costumes will do. Fortunately my friend Katie sews and has whipped up a Harry Potter robe, so look out when Luna Lovegood comes trick or treating to your door.
Last year I went as the Perimenopausal Princess:
She’ll never remember she looked like shit anyway.
This year? Lady Gaga. I’m having trouble with the meat dress, though. The dogs. Oh god, the dogs. 
- Motherfucking paparazzi.
My Groupon series for Laser Hair Removal is finished!
I think we can all agree the results are amazing.
It’s a beauty treatment.
As I held a cold can of Coke to my sizzling neck I could barely conceal my giddiness at how perfect it all turned out, and how much I wanted more.
Me: Can I get a quote on my buttocks?
Spa Lady: Sure. Pull down your pants.
Me: Can you also do the tramp stamp area?
Spa Lady: Sure honey, I’ve seen it all.
Surprisingly, it’s quite affordable to get hair burned off your ass. Matt was noncommittal.
Matt: So, are you going to get a tramp stamp?
Me: No. I think I’ll get a tattoo there that says “I could get a tramp stamp here now because I lasered off all my back hair.”
Matt: Fine.
Matt’s a man of few words, but I’m pretty sure that meant he is psyched.
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Next time I write, I may be sitting outside a neighbor’s house stealing wifi while we wait for our internet to get connected. Wish us luck!
I know you’re going to show pictures if you get that tramp stamp, so I’m not sure if I should encourage it or not.
I promised Matt I wouldn’t put pictures of my buttocks up. The back is fair game, I think.
Good luck on the move! We downsized out of necessity in a rental but I hope to buy a house with more room than we currently have, less than we use to have.
It’s a huge huge financial relief. Good luck!
yay! glad to hear from you (you know, because you’re only writing for me, Me, ME!) and i was hoping the move went smoothly. i’m also surprised you didn’t parlay the sizzling neck into a halloween costume…small pox survivor, perhaps?
I was going to go with leper, but then it healed.
You have completely talked me out of laser hair removal….my husband’s wallet thanks you. Good Luck on the move! May it leave you only slightly more disturbed than you already are! Happy Halloween to you and yours!!
Lorri – LOVE this: “May it leave you only slightly more disturbed than you already are!” Hallmark needs to get that shit on a card pronto.
Oddly enough, my husband is encouraging me to get my chin lasered. It’s nice to know that laser hair removal is becoming affordable for (almost wrote “fur” ha!) us little people. Hope the move goes well & I LOVE the Lady Gaga costume
I think you might want to get recommendations and maybe not just grab the first Groupon you are offered. Or you could go my route. You’ve seen the photos.
I’m so sorry that was your view of our lovely Garden State! On my drive to work I pass horse farms, small produce farms and woods … wish I had the option to post photos. Please come back some time and discover the New Jersey that the comedians like to ignore.
Diane – I lived in Northern New Jersey for 10 years. I know there are pretty parts, we just seemed stuck in the GSP/Turnpike/Route 3 triangle most of the time
Yikes! I did the pits and bikini area and never had any rash (though it hurt quite a bit). I guess everyone reacts differently. Feel a little like a dodged a bullet on that one though… But once you’ve healed and gone to the therapist for the psychological damage, you’ll be glad.
Oh I’m psyched already.
Love the costume! I thought for sure you were doing a test-run for your Eminem cover.
I haven’t decided what to wear for that. I’m thinking I need to put my own interpretation on it rather than just wear, say, my hooded gray Mickey Mouse sweatshirt. Anyway, that debut post will have to wait until after the move. Some things can’t be rushed.
BEST. TATTOO. IDEA. EVER. I had my ex-husband’s name there as a wedding gift (yay) so after the divorce I had to cover it, turning my low back into a tramp stamp. It was a pretty butterfly until he put fire on the wings (WTF?). I seriously SERIOUSLY considered just putting a circle with a line throught it around his name, so it would be anti-fat ex husband. I still kind wish I had.
Once you get into that egg and have four hunks carry you around you won’t have to worry about the meat dress anymore, Lady Gaga. Cool costume
Also, moving should be a good excuse to not wear actual pants for a while. Good luck!
How in the world did you ever convince Lady Gaga to stop by your blog???!!! You are clearly very famous!
Good luck with the move…I feel like it is just straight up hell and then all of the sudden it is done!
Hee hee hee oh, this made me giggle. Your beauty treatment has stunning results, by the way. Good luck with your move, and congratulations!
Ok, now I’m feeling much better knowing I’m not the only one whose ass needs a laser treatment (or ten). Thank you for that. I’m jealous of the results on your face – I’m too afraid to laser off my face fur though I’m convinced my life would be better without sideburns. I already had my mustache electrolysized to death a few years back. Ah, the joys of being a Mediterranean beauty! You keep writing, I’ll keep reading. Thong or not.
Laser hair removal is awesome but I wish it worked on those course white ones…
Oh, how you make me laugh!
It has to be asked: How *did* the meat go?!
Yay, Reedster! Big things, hon. Moving on up in the world with your new home, sizzly neck and tramp stamp in the future! Keepin it classy.
I know! How does this blogging gig tap so much of our earnestness and motivation. It’s like we’re being graded by ever fickle readership. The PRESSURE! But don’t worry – you’ve got the key ingredient of funny, relateable and insightful and you’re a hell of a writer, so just focus on the joy and the readers will stick around.
And i hope the laser removal thing was only horrifying in the short term!