Me & my Good Bra in happier times.
The only real bra I ever bought died this week. It was the springtime of my early motherhood and I was feeling unpretty, and also saggy. And decidedly not smoothed, nor supported. I made a monumental decision to travel up the Garden State Parkway, past Paterson, past Garfield, and on to Paramus, to the shining jewel of the New Jersey mall system: The Garden State Plaza. Having read that approximately 145% of women are sporting the wrong size, I was to be measured for a bra.
I found myself standing in Victoria’s Secret in a rainbow of neatly folded panties, an expression of mixed fear and curiosity on my face. An eliminated cast member for “Jersey Shore” felt me up and then tried to sell me an entire “bra wardrobe” for all my boob coverage needs.
But I only had eyes for you, Good Bra. You were smooth and black and you managed to pull out a hint – just a whisper – of cleavage from the vast chasm between my breasts, without welding my boobs together a la Nancy Wilson of Heart in the pre-”Bad Animals” era on MTV.
Your ample foam covering gave me a semblance of a chest and also allowed my kids to punch me in the tits repeatedly without (much) pain. Which they did, a lot, when they were younger, and flailed more.
I cared for you. Never did I chuck you in the washer and dryer like the Target bras, who were left to fend for themselves on the spin cycle. No, you cost $40, so I washed you by hand and lovingly draped you over the shower rod to dry.
I broke you out for special occasions, which were few and far between since I worked at home in my lightless suburban New Jersey basement. And so, perhaps, I started to take you for granted. My threshold for what was deemed “special” dropped until I was strapping you on for mere trips to the Stop & Shop for a Coke and a People. Sometimes, I’d just wear you for drop off, or even out to get the mail.
As the years passed and you kept your shape, I grew careless, though I loved you no less, Good Bra. I may have…. OH I DID, DAMN IT! I washed you in the washer with the regular bras from time to time. I AM SO SO SORRY.
And then, yesterday, I noticed your foam padding was showing; your strap separating from your cups. I hated seeing you that way, all your mystery and secrets out in the open. I knew it was time. And since each bra year is worth about 20 human years, you were, well, practically a vampire at this point. I had thought you would live forever, but it was not to be.
So I drove the stake through your heart and brought you out to the big can.
Some “friends” callously suggested I just replace you, the cold bastards. Would you replace your DOG? Or your CHILDREN?? No, there will be no “Good Bra II” in my night stand. You see, on my disastrous special-underwear buying spree at Target – when I accidentally bought thongs – I also picked up a $15 push-up bra, which gives my flat chest a bosom much like Gwyneth Paltrow’s in “Shakespeare in Love”, all heaving and quivering in its smallness.
Don’t hate me, Good Bra. I was once again feeling unpretty, and saggy, and decidedly small and flat and, well, I succumbed to another bra. It’ll never be like what we had, but Cheap Push-Up Bra From Target was only $15, and no overly tanned Jersey teenagers had to touch my chest before I bought it.
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I often say life is too short to wear crappy bras. In a couple of weeks after cheap foam bra from Target bites the big one consider a fairly decent bra from VS–since we know there will never be another Good Bra like the one you had.
Apparently, VS has “sales” at Target prices….
the Reedster’s back in great form (fitting) !
I am currently strapped into my Lane Bryant Fancy Bras number 248. Alas, Victoria Secret, can not carry the weight of my boobs and the underwire starts poking me in protest within a week. A week! And the skinny ladies at Victoria Secret who knew I shouldn’t be in there anyway and who really don’t want to help me, won’t take back a broken bra. I even went on my own pilgrimage to Macy’s where the 90 year-old sales associate attempted to find a bra in my size. She failed. So, I’m back in lane Bryant, always hoping for a sale and the invention of some soft duct tape, so my underwires can be pushed back in.
Awesome. But what does it mean that my two favorite Reedster posts are about your undergarments?
I am running out of underwear stories!!
I also wear Lane Bryant bras. I miss fitting in VS bras! And although I wash them in the machine, I hang them dry on various doorknobs throughout the house like a good mom of teenagers should.
Gah! This is an awesome epitaph.
I am totally coddling the last of my ridiculous spending spree on a somewhat matching trio of properly fitted bras I purchased three years ago (I am one of those women who was a C and not an A like I thought when I bought my previous bra a decade earlier)…My good bras lasted only THREE YEARS!! They were *so* beautiful…They were so loved…why *why* do they fade like construction paper on a hot sunny day…
May your memories be a comfort to you. Go get yourself some crappy rebound bras at Target posthaste.
That’s so funny because the first thing I thought was, “FIRST SHE SCREWS UP HER UNDERWEAR (and I bought Hanes as a result) AND NOW THIS? What’s next? Not the comfy sweat-like jammies PLEASE. Keep the grungy jammies that are like sweats even though they have holes in the inner thighs!!!!!!!”
Oh you won’t find me in a cami & silk tap pants combo anytime soon…. at least until my next midlife crisis.
As a person who has 1 or 2 bras for like 20 years, I LOVED THIS. Awesome piece.
I think, as women, we are all on board with this!!!
Bra shopping is torture. May your perfect bra rest in peace…
I have one bra that I keep repairing. I’d get another, but the tag is so worn I can’t tell the make and model any more. Utter sadness…
I have been threatening to go get fitted for a bra at some place that Oprah sent all the housewives getting make overs on her show. But once I go to second base with some Russian matron, I am going to be very stabby and yelly and POOR because it starts at 145.00. I am all about champion sports bras from Target. White and black. DOne and done.
I wore sports bras on my tiny breasts until I turned 40, and then even these boobs needed real support. Ah, gravity.
Ha ha ha, this cracked me up. I totally relate, too. I recently had to get rid of my very favorite sports bra. What a sad day that was! I still haven’t found a good replacement.
This has to be a universal commonality for women the world over. Great story Cindy
Hilarious, as always. I’m a VS girl all the way. Love me some vampire bras. Their near immortality is worth the extra dough.
By the way, I loved the pictures you chose for this. The one of Nancy Wilson is priceless.
What happened to the Heart of “Dog and Butterfly”? Suddenly they showed up with hair like Poison.
I hate VS! I have some nice bras I’ve had for years but this summer, when I had an extended stay in a rural indiana hospital with no undergarments, my daught stopped at the only place around… Walmart! They became my hands down favs and I went back for mre to the lovely tune of $14.99 each! I get this post very much!
Oh my god, cindy. i love it. and i seriously have no idea how they made gwyneth’s cleavage look like that in that movie (which is one of my all-time faves). lots of duct tape, probably….
I know! Because we saw her itty bitty titties in the flesh in that movie! Cutlets were involved.
I love this so much. I recently suffered the loss of my good bra. I don’t know if I can ever find as true a love again.
Ugh! The search for a great bra. Back when I had perky boobs, I loved the VS bras. Now, when my boobs are thoroughly deflated, all a push-up bra does is cause them to sink in on themselves. I don’t think there’s a bra in the world that can fix that. RIP Reedster’s Good Bra
Be thankful. When your bosoms are a bit bigger and naturally heaving, your “good” bras give out after about 6 months. They get tired very easily from all the weight.
What Fadra said. You know I write Beastie Boys lyrics about my big boobs, so there’s no secret there. I have B-cup-envy. There, I said it. Also, great post. Very funny per the youge.
I loved your rap!
That was the most touching (not the bad touch) eulogy to a bra I’ve ever read.
What Fadra said. Also, every bra costs $40.
But seriously, I loved the way that the bra became a metaphor for how you perceived yourself. By the end, I felt proud of you, because you no longer needed an expensive bra to feel proud of your breasts. Even if you felt a teensy bit guilty.
Also, when they figure out how to do breast tissue transplants, I will SO be happy to share. I have plenty to go around.
My humiliating bra fitting experience was with a geriatric Australian woman in the fancy department store here DJs. She said, “the problem with you is, you have an extremely broad back, and almost no chest at all.” Was so offended I bought 2 overpriced bras from her.
Happens to me all the time
Of course you had to buy the bras after that. To “solve” your “problem” body. AS IF.
I’ve been in the GSP VS many many times. So weird to think that maybe we were there at the same time, never knowing our paths would cross some day. I’m sorry about your bra. Good bras are indeed hard to come by.
This might be the funniest thing I’ve ever read. EVER. You win forever and ever, amen.
Will you give me a new bra as a prize?? Seriously, thank you
It had a good run as your boob holder.
P.S. I buy my bras at Soma. LOVE. THEM.
Best. Post. Ever. Why are good bras so stupidly expensive? It’s one of the mysteries of the universe.
love it! i too had a ‘good bra’. she is gone now. i tried to replace with her twin sister but alas, she paled in comparison – and not just because she was a nude color. you’re right. although my boobs have kissed many frogs, there can only be one good bra.
You are fantastic. I love reading anything you write, but you own the underwear niche! I sometimes put my good bras in the dryer by mistake. When I take out the shriveled mass, you can hear my screams in neighboring towns. I get it. Well done!
I loved this post, especially because I love my boobs (sort of), but more importantly love an awesome bra. There is nothing more uplifting than a good bra (ahem…sorry, couldn’t help myself).
Becca
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Guess what we got for you??? Yes. A gift certificate for ‘you know where’…
OMG I need to write a post about needed a new Vitamix blender….
I love how you cared for this bra (unlike Target bras) by avoiding the perils of the washer and dryer. So funny!
I love this post so very much. But I am cruel to my bras. They must be able to withstand negligence and still comply. They must take a licking, be willing to be tossed around and still remain steadfast. They must support me no after what.
Wow, I just realized my treatment of my favorite bras is despicable. I’m like Christian from 50 Shades and all my bras are Ana. That’s sad.
*no matter what* FAT FINGERS
Here is how I shop for bras….know that they are Olgas, but can’t read the “no tag” label anymore from so many washings. Go to Kohl’s on a real sale day. Buy every Olga’s bra I can find in my supposed size. Take home the lot. Try on in the privacy of my bedroom where I can hook it in front, spin it around my waist and yank up the straps all the while grunting and groaning (I have artificial shoulder so my arm does not go backward and upward….try getting into a still damp bathing suit!!!). Find the ONE bra that actually fits (they are all the SAME size), take the rest back to Kohl’s to return – remember to bring the make and model number of the kept one and scout the bra aisles for a perhaps misplaced sister bra twin and buy that too.
I would happily pay $200 and up for a custom made bra….however no matter how much I scour the internet looking for such a talented seamstress, the only “custom” bras I find are those made for belly dancers and professional pole dancers who really just wear them for “show.” I did find out that the supposed life of any bra is approximately 4 months – planned obsolescence. So I am so impressed with the comments of long-lived bras. These big girls are rough on their “overtheshoulderboulderholders.”
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Cindy, I hope this is assigned reading in the eulogies class of a certain funerals certificate course! It’s right up there with Earl Spencer.
I have been meaning to comment for days on this post, and it’s especially timely as my “good bra” as opposed to my “never-see-the-light-of-day-whorish-bras” started to fall apart a few weeks ago. I ruthlessly bought another, but I did spare a thought for the one being replaced. It had been a good bra; yet coming from Victoria’s Secret, I expected a longer life than one year. RIP old good bra.
I never got a chance to vote on Yeah Right, busy week, but I loved this blog! So funny! My fav. I remember my special bra too, even though that was ten years ago.
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This was so fitting for me! I shopped for a replacement ‘Good Bra’ (one of the expensive “Incredible” bras from VS) just this past weekend.
Only then, did I discover that they have discontinued the entire collection! My heart was broken and in a classic rebound move, I bought two new bras to try to fill the giant hole my old bra had left. I didn’t even try one of them on. I just wanted to get out of there and start the hunt on eBay for my old ‘Good Bra’.
Thanks for making me laugh! It was awesome : )
Oh, we all have that bra! Stopping from Fadra’s!