I was the last appointment of the year, apparently. I had my choice of chairs and tattered copies of “Field & Stream” in the abandoned waiting room. The receptionist was playing Bejeweled Blitz and attempting Uri Geller-like mind games to move the clock forward toward quitting time. Even my therapist seemed hurried, her usual dulcet tones replaced by an efficient clip as she worked through her list of questions for my semi-annual med check.
Meds working for you? Yep. Moods been OK? Yep (hoping she wouldn’t read my blog). Need refills? Yep.
As we were about to wrap up, she asked if I’d made any New Year’s resolutions. I got excited, because I HAD.
Me: Yes! I’m getting a tattoo!
Therapist: Is that really a resolution?
Me: Why not? I resolve to get a tattoo. What’s not resolutiony about that?
Therapist: Huh.
And then, in a whole turning-the-tables thing, I asked her a question.
Me: Did you make any resolutions?
Therapist (uncomfortably): Oh. Yes. I made one.
Me: Give it up! What is it?
Therapist: Oh. I can’t tell anyone. Just something I need to do every day for self-improvement.
Me: Huh. A secret resolution. Kind of hard for the rest of us to measure your success then, isn’t it?
Therapist: Um, not really. I just need to do it. Every day. For self-improvement.
So of course immediately I’m thinking masturbation. And she’s calling me out on a tattoo, like that’s not a real resolution.
So I hold my fist up chest level, the international symbol for fist bump — popularized by the President and First Lady — in resolution solidarity. She stares at my outstretched fist.
Therapist: What is this?
Me: It’s a fist bump. C’mon, don’t leave me hanging! You just tap your fist against it. All the homies are doing it.
Therapist (awkwardly and lightly taps fist against mine, hitting maybe two of my knuckles, in the worst most whitest fist bump ever): Huh.
And then she tripled my medications and ushered me out the door.
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Ringing in the New Year with my yeah write blogging challenge family. Join us! Open grid this week.
Great Post!!! It was like I was there!
And then she tripled my meds…. classic!
Maybe she’s never brushed her teeth!
Weird. So self-pleasure didn’t immediately pop into your mind?
No because you already mentioned it. Otherwise…
best belly laugh of the new year!!!!!!!!!!
I really hope she’s masturbating.
Love it! I think that resolving to masturbate is a lovely resolution. So is resolving to get a tattoo. I have made no resolutions because I’m white-knuckling it into the new year. Can’t make any plans right now…
Ha! So mysterious.
Thanks for my first laugh of 2013
I think I’m going to wonder off and on all day what her resolution was.
Nope, self pleasure was not my first thought either, but more like she would give up some naughty vice like smoking meth or eating hamburger meat raw or something. Totally chuckled at her upping your meds. “We’ve upped our meds, up yours!”
lolz can’t overstep those doctor – patient boundaries. lol
Yep. It’s masturbation.
That’s totally what I thought too! Why else would she be so shifty about it? And really, who doesn’t know what a fist bump is these days??? This made me laugh and then I read the whole thing out to my husband
Happy new year Reedster!
Maybe she resisted the fist pump because she had just masturbated with that hand?! There’s something to think about!! Lol!
Yeah! Startin’ the New Year off right with the tripled meds! LOL I hope the therapist is masturbating. She needs to loosen up.
Duh. A tattoo is totally a resolution.
Now I can’t help but wonder how often you shock your therapist.
It’s a miracle she only wants to see me twice a year.
Getting a tattoo is totally resolutiony. Actually, I think it’s the best resolution I’ve heard yet this year. Way better than “lose weight,” “read 47890027 books,” or “keep my house clean.” Lame.
Bahahhaha. Yes. It’s definitely masturbation.
Why so quick to jump to masturbation? Maybe she’s doing a detox with daily colon cleanses using Mentos and Diet Coke because she saw it on the internet. The tingle means it’s working!
Either way, I think your tattoo resolution is rad. What are you getting inked?
hmmm… she sounds like she’s hiding something interesting. see if you can get it out of her..
I was totally on the dental hygiene page too! You gotta find out and let us know. Maybe meditation?
So….what kind of tattoo? Or did I miss the memo cause I am new to your blog? Great post.
It’s a noble resolution!
I’m not sure I’d call masturbation self-improvement. More like self-indulgence. Which is also a totally legit resolution and better than the usual masochistic crap most people come up with.
Love love love the last line! And resolutiony is my favorite new word
Does she read the blog? We could have a real go at her in the comments.
I’m air fist bumping you as I type this. Are you sure she didn’t mean flossing though?
Ha ha, your poor therapist
You probably push her boundaries more than she pushes yours! So funny 
Maybe you should get a tattoo of your therapist masturbating?
… and then she tripled my meds… I was already giggling about the whitest fist bump ever. Then I snorted with laughter.
Thanks for the pick-me-up!