I’m Chill Like That.

So the dogs went to the dog dentist yesterday because is life is glamorous. I covered afternoon kid doctor appointments where, no shit, this giant baby head picture is on the wall:

giant baby head.jpg

It reminds me of the disembodied baby-head from the Teletubbies, which has me scrambling to look up a blog post I read years ago where they describe the sun on the show as “Kraken-sun-baby”. This amuses me.

This is all irrelevant. I’M JUST SETTING THE SCENE, PEOPLE. Me, at the doctor’s office, giant baby head painting looming over me.

Matt is covering dog pick up.

Matt texts me to say that he put the $739 dog dentist bill on our debit card despite my instructions to put it on the Amex, because the dog dentist doesn’t take Amex.

I send him an immediate text back: WE DON’T HAVE THAT IN CHECKING RIGHT NOW. Transfer $1000 from savings to checking immediately.

Then I text him the bank website.

Then I text him, in quick succession, hints for our username and password in case he doesn’t remember them.

Then I text him to see if he figured out my hints.

Then I text him to tell him to destroy the text conversation so that nobody can figure out our bank login. Unless they want to pay the dog dentist bill, in which case, BE MY GUEST.

Then I don’t hear from him for an eternity or at least thirty seconds.

So I text him in all caps to CONFIRM RECEIPT OF MY TEXTS.

Then I text him in all caps to CONFIRM TRANSFER OF FUNDS.

Then I leave him a voice message repeating all the previous information.

Then I wait. And worry about my credit score. Which is excellent, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, but won’t be, if there are no funds in checking to cover the goddamn dog dentist bill.

Hours or seconds later, Matt texts to confirm transfer of funds.

Then I text him “Thank God.”

Then I text him “I was SO SO worried.”

Then I text him “I am SO SO relieved.”

Then I take an inventory of my mind to latch on to my next worry, while the giant baby head leers down upon me, maniacally grinning.

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About Cindy Reed

I avoid actual pants as much as possible.
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21 Responses to I’m Chill Like That.

  1. That baby is grinning because it saw your hints and is gonna take all your money to buy more flower hats.

  2. The funny thing is allllllll that time you spent texting in frantically, you probably could have transferred the funds yourself. Just sayin.

  3. This will probably depress you to hear: I totally relate to every word.

  4. Now I know to STAY AWAY from the dog dentist no matter what! My dogs will be fine with no teeth! Thanks for the PSA.

  5. Mayari says:

    Please tell me you were being facetious about the dog dentist bill price. What could they possibly do to dogs that could cost that much? A gold tooth?

  6. HOW much did the dog dentist charge? That seems like highway robbery to me…

    • The Reedster says:

      Two dogs, two surgeries, eight teeth extractions. We’ve never done it before, so I’m amortizing it over their combined 19 years of life so I don’t keep hyperventilating about it.

  7. Erica M says:

    I am no longer open to taking Oscar off your hands.

  8. Bee says:

    I can totally relate to the animal dentist bill. Unfortunately. We’re getting pet insurance for the next one that comes into our lives.

    Wait — $739 for two dogs??? That’s cheap for around here.

  9. dberonilla says:

    She is I and I am him and we all need to be on zoloft. NOW. Haha.
    Also, dogs are so frickin’ expensive!

  10. Nic says:

    Giant baby heads scare me…especially the one from the teletubbies.

  11. shannon says:

    Giant baby heads to rule the world. I know your secrets, lady. The baby told me.

  12. Not a fan of the giant baby head. My mom was taking her dog in this week – dog dentistry is expensive. Right up there with Orthodontics for the human set.

  13. kianwi says:

    Gah! That’s a lot of money! I need to get my dog in to get his teeth cleaned, but now I’m nervous.

    The texts cracked me up! At least you are married and your husband couldn’t accuse you of text stalking him :)

  14. You crack me up!! We avoided the dog dentist for our Doug’s whole life. His body alone cost us a small fortune. That baby is creepy too.

  15. Gina says:

    I know that dentist bill well with two labs. They suck you in by tugging at your heartstrings (heathy teeth make a longer life…sounds like a bad fortune cookie). I know the texts stalking too. I always say, “just acknowledge then I’ll stop”. Does ant help. Btw, I smiled the entire way through this, creepy baby and all (or because of creepy baby. Who knows?)

  16. The resemblance of the baby heads is crazy!

  17. about100percent says:

    There should be an absolute rule about responding to every single text if you’re married and if you don’t you are subjected to any and all means of torture and/or types of complaining without comment or time limit.

  18. This cracks me up! I am just assuming my dog chews on too much crap to have dentistry issues. His infected toenail already cost me more than $700…I hated that baby head. Glad it’s outta my life.

  19. Pingback: The “A” Words. | The Reedster Speaks

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