Fortune Cookie or Cannoli? The Year in Searches.

As I read through the queries that led people to The Reedster Speaks in 2013, I thought, “I have a front row seat on the American tragedy.” These five search terms landed the most readers on my doorstep:

1. Fist bump. Apparently, ever since I attempted to fist bump my therapist last year, I’m now the go-to-gal on knuckle-to-knuckle greetings.

2. “Gay marriage funnies. Seriously, over 100 people found my blog with this, like I am writing a fucking comic strip for marriage equality or something. (Idea: Write comic strip about hysterical homosexual marrieds. Follow with sitcom, starring Neil Patrick Harris and Ashton Kutcher in a role that will surprise you. Roll in pile of hundred dollar bills on my bed like Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore in “Indecent Proposal.” Retire.)

3 & 4 (tie): Moms in Thongs / Mom Thong. Mom thongs will forever be my blogging legacy. My family is beaming with pride.

5. Fortune cookie. I never posted a recipe for fortune cookies or anything, because that would be like cooking, but I did compare vagina cookies to these Asian treats. And then I was corrected in the comments by a science person who said the fortune cookie is more akin to the vulva than the vagina. I should have used a cannoli as a better comparison.

cannoli fortune cookie reedster

You decide.

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The top 5 are interesting, no doubt about it. They’ll be driving my writing from here on out because I aim to please my readers. Indulge me, however, in a brief tour of the lesser queries that brought the web-curious to my blog in 2013:

“marissa mayer” teeth or gummy After The Killers’ musical query “Are we human or are we dancer?”, isn’t this the other great question of our times? Marissa Mayer: Teeth? Or Gummy? [Spoiler alert: 50% gummy. 50% teeth.]

You decide.

cindy chill reed My new rapper name. 

just ate an exotic fish and i’m having OMG what?? What are you having? Where does it hurt? Are you OK? I’m worried about you. I ate an exotic fish once but it just made me sad. Maybe the missing word is “regrets”?

the rest of this bra WHERE THE FUCK IS IT? Somebody took the rest of this bra and it is TOTALLY NOT FUNNY YOU GUYS. I’m sitting here with two cups, half a strap, and a bowlful of tears.

movies with nudity 2005-2012 I NEED A LIST OF ALL OF THE NAKED MOVIES FOR THIS SEVEN YEAR SPAN.

fishlight masturbation I had to Google “fishlight” for this one, as I was unfamiliar with the term. Surprisingly, I didn’t end up back at my own blog. I guess The Reedster Speaks only comes up when you pair “fishlight” with “self-pleasuring.” So here’s what my research found: They are lights. For fish. I guess to find them in the water in the dark. I guess night fishing is a thing.

I can sort of envision this. You know, you’re out there fishing at night and you’re all by yourself. The fish look so damn beautiful. Like Victoria’s Secret models, except with scales and flat side eyes. You feel amorous. But you can’t find your penis because you can’t see for shit because NIGHT FISHING AND ALL. So you pick up your fishlight. It’s just you, a sliver of a crescent moon, the deep sea, the fish, and your genitals. And you have questions. You want MORE information about rubbing one out in the soft glow of the fishlights. That’s where I come in.

Update: OK, I’m being told there’s a thing called “Fleshlight” that might make more sense here.

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image credits: Marissa Mayer, Gummis, Teeth, Fortune Cookie, Cannoli

About Cindy Reed

I hate pants.
This entry was posted in Inappropriate Behavior, Posts about Underwear, Round Up. It's not just for killing the water table. and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

30 Responses to Fortune Cookie or Cannoli? The Year in Searches.

  1. RageMichelle says:

    This is awesome. I’ve gotten some messed up searches..

  2. Stacie says:

    OMG I’m crying at that last one, so funny! And here I go, starting the New Year with the goal of winning another commenter award in 2014.

  3. When I Blink says:

    This is hilarious. I love search terms.

  4. This is fantastic. All of my searches involve Costco. Lame.

  5. Kim says:

    LOL! Damn. Now I want to go through my stats and look at what brought readers to my blog.

    People are certainly interesting!

  6. If I leave 3 comments, do I win extra prizes? I’m sure all this talk of rubbing one out is going to make the 2014 search terms very interesting!

    • The Reedster says:

      The search terms I used to research this post were interesting enough. What is a fishlight? What is fleshlight? “royalty-free cannoli photos” “toothy grin” “synonyms for male masturbation”

  7. tedstrutz says:

    I’m not sure the Fleshlight would work for you… well, I guess you could use it backwards.

  8. erinific says:

    This seriously made me laugh out loud. I’ve gotten some interesting search terms, but none as good as yours!

  9. I love cannoli – don’t kill my cannoli-high 🙂

  10. Vanessa D. says:

    I was going to mention that maybe it was fleshlight people were looking for, but then I saw your update.

    I guess the only thing left to say is I will never again look at a fortune cookie in quite the same way.

  11. This was a great idea. I’m going to check my search terms, wait a second…I’m back. The number one search term that will land you in Kellie’s World – Johnny Depp, and number two – colonoscopy jokes.

  12. Any time I’m in a bad mood, I just pop over here and read some of your writing and I feel instantly better. You could bottle that effect and sell it, Cindy.

  13. wcdameron says:

    I think I might be one of the “Gay marriage Funnies” couples that brings people to your blog, but Neil Patrick Harris gets top billing over me? The nerve……

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  15. I mentioned this on Stacey’s blog, but my #1 search term is MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S PENIS. But a cannoli, which is like a vagina with a horrible yeast infection, might be an upcoming post. Thanks for the inspiration!

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