Radioactive.

reedster radioactive

The doctor at the breast center flipped through my chart. “It’s hard to read your scans. You have really dense breasts,” he said.

“Stupid boobs,” I thought. I felt like smacking them and shouting “Snap out of it!” like Cher to Nicolas Cage in “Moonstruck.”

The doctor continued. “What I’m seeing could just be scar tissue from your two previous biopsies, but I’d feel better if we did some more extensive testing to make sure.”

The breast center doctor was not making me and my idiot bosoms feel better. “What kind of tests?” I asked.

“Well,” he began, “We’ve already done the mammogram with the smaller panel to get a closer look.”

I remembered that mammogram vividly. The tech said it would be “slightly more uncomfortable” than the regular screening. She was right. Boobs aren’t meant to be seen in 2D.

“And we’ve got the ultrasound results on both breasts,” the doctor went on. “So the next step is something called scintimammography.”

“So it’s just like a scintilla of a mammogram?” I asked. “Because that would feel a lot better than the whole mammogram.”

“Um, not exactly. We would inject you with a small amount of a radioactive substance that would light up any areas of cancer in the breast,” he explained.

My mind skipped over all details of this invasive procedure and instead I sort of spoke-sang “Radioactive! Radioactive!” at the doctor.

He stared at me.

“It’s a song,” I said. “I think it’s by the Imaginary Dragons.”

“Okaaay,” he said slowly. “Anyway, it’s a very small dose, but it would make you a bit radioactive after the procedure.”

The song in my head came to a record-scratching halt. He might as well have told me he was going to lacquer my tits with superfluous pepper spray. “So I’d be, like, a walking Chernobyl?”

“Oh no. Like I said, it’s a very small dose,” he repeated. “But to be on the safe side, we recommend that you stay away from children and the elderly for at least eight hours after the test.”

Wait, what? I’d have to stay away from my kids for eight solid hours? Suddenly, the test didn’t sound so bad. More like a contaminated reactor spa day. Or better yet, a Spiderman holiday.

This whole dense breasts thing was looking up. The doctor was basically gifting me a nuclear restraining order against my children.

“Let’s do this.”

crowd144

Postscript…

*My boobs are fine.

* I’m being told by my daughter that the band is Imagine Dragons.

About Cindy Reed

I hate pants.
This entry was posted in I am the weakest link. Goodbye., Inappropriate Behavior. Bookmark the permalink.

50 Responses to Radioactive.

  1. Nuclear restraining order – I love it! I started singing that Radioactive song, too. Thanks a lot for that.

  2. RageMichelle says:

    Ha! your boobies have spidey senses…

  3. Lois Heckman says:

    good boob news in the end. so glad! funny in the face of fear is so Cindy. love your perspective on life.

  4. Mama Kautz says:

    2nd week stopping by from Yeah Write….you crack me up!

  5. Alan Burch says:

    With all your discussion on boobs, I’m surprised you don’t have more males signing up for your posts…………

  6. jgmallory says:

    *thwip!*

    Nope, not going there.

    Backhanded benefit of chemo: mosquitoes will not touch you. My mother went through extensive radiation and chemo, and didn’t have a mosquito bite for something going on six years.

  7. Samantha S says:

    Things really *are* looking up–nicely done!! Loved this.

  8. unwaranted commenter says:

    Love your post Reedster once again … I have something to share! It is share time isn’t it? Recently my Reddit source rolled over in bed and told me there are about 180 species of phosphorescent (thank god phor Google spell check) fish, many of which they just recently ‘discovered’ and that SCIENCE has plans to use them for these nuclear radioactive tests instead of the synthetic crap (aka: radionuclide) they use now. All natural dude! I had one of those tests done on my gallbladder in 2013 and it was totally useless for me but ironically acupuncture –a zillion yrs old, right — has not only solved the mystery of what was wrong with me but completely healed the problem in two visits. My issue with using phosphorescent fish as a resource is that we are going to scrape the bottom of the ocean, disturb, pollute and destroy earths biggest natural resource in order to study boobs or to colonize Mars or to extract whatever gall we have left — it’s a bunch of mishegas if you ask me! Same goes for algae being the newest cutting edge fuel source for space exploration. I would sign up for Mars-1 just to get away from all the crazy! BTW, did you compliment him on his pick up lines… nice try smooth guy! jk 🙂
    PS -Regardless credit is due to Reedster for always makes the old creaky wheels turn and turn … the cane… the cane .. ahhhhhhhhh

  9. I just learned about that band this morning! Glad you’re okay.

  10. You’re so brave, lol. 😉

  11. Anita V says:

    LOVE this post. I have to have “special” mammograms annually and those suckers hurt!! My full-figured bosoms aren’t able to be squished flat, no matter how hard the machine wants to pretend otherwise. But more importantly….. have you seen the video to Radioactive. I used to like the song until I was emotionally scarred by the video and a very disturbing Lou Diamond Philips.

    • The Reedster says:

      It’s really weird to look down and see your boob as flat as a pancake, smushed like a specimen between two glass slides. Very high school biology class ONLY WITH MY BOOBS. Googling the video right now so you won’t be the only one disturbed. Lou Diamond Phillips? I’m intrigued.

  12. Cris says:

    How are you supposed to know when it’s worn off? Do they send you home with a Geiger counter?

  13. wcdameron says:

    Thanks for the ear worm…..Hilarious as always, your boobs seem to be causing a lot of trouble lately. Maybe your boobs should write a post. They seem to want to say something.

  14. Stacie says:

    The end had me in stitches! And now you’ve got most of us singing “Radioactive,” too.

  15. Robin says:

    Very funny post about a very serious subject. I have dense breasts and every year I would have to have extra tests. Finally, I just accepted my breasts are dense and stopped doing extra tests. Wise? Probably not. This year my doctor suggested a 3-D mammogram. I am hoping that will prevent the suggestion for extra tests. Never had to go radioactive. YIKES!

  16. At first I thought you were going to rage about Fukushima. Anyway, I prefer my boobs to be 3D. Not my man boobs, I mean women’s boobs. Of course I mean my wife’s boobs. Okay, I’ll just shut up now.

  17. i would have started singing too

  18. kimpugliano says:

    I’m still singing.

  19. Matthew says:

    Good grief, thank goodness the tests were OK. Many, including myself could learn an awful lot from the open hearted way you chose to handle this scary situation. I’m sure I’d STILL be huddled in a corner somewhere.

    And how was the kidcation??

  20. I sang Radioactive too! My breasts have never been and will never be called dense. My brain, on the other hand…

  21. jgmallory says:

    But also: if not “dense,” then what? “Light-n-fluffy”?

  22. I love that song! And I’m glad your boobs are fine. ;0)

  23. Kirsten says:

    Love this post. Sorry about your dense boobs and glad they are only dense with the good stuff. Like…noncancerous fatty boob stuffs.

  24. Erica M says:

    The comments on this post are as funny as the post. Your responses cracked me up.

  25. I have a 20 month old so you know I laughed at this and was a bit jealous. 😉 Kidding aside, I’m glad your boobs are fine and great story!

  26. jmlindy422 says:

    I would totally have had Radioactive running through my brain. Good news on the results.

  27. Christina says:

    oh FFS I don’t know how on earth you can take something so damn serious and bring me to tears from laughing so hard. (I too think it’s Imagine Dragons who sings that song.) and your use of superfluous pepper spray just put it over the top for me. FFS. 🙂

  28. I love these posts about your boobs unreasonably. Not in a creepy way.

  29. Joe Owens says:

    I have a fifteen year old daughter that loves to play Radioactive. As someone who has lost way too many family members to Cancer I am so glad your experience turned out as it has, Wishing you more days of no more radioactive testing.

  30. Karen says:

    You crack me up! The Moonstruck reference and “contaminated reactor spa day” were my personal favs.

  31. sonya says:

    Because I’m old, I thought you were referring to Radioactive by The Firm (Oddly popular ’80s/early ’90s name- also a movie with Tom Cruise and a series of exercise videos!) That’s what I would have been singing!

  32. Linda Roy says:

    First, and most importantly – I’m glad your boobs are fine. Second, I associate things with songs all the time, so that cracks me up, because I would so do that too. Third, this is the third yw post I’ve read in a row that mentioned pepper spray. It’s Pepper Spray Week at Yeah Write! Everybody shut your eyes! And finally, “contaminated reactor spa day…” love that!

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  34. Sarah says:

    Great post! And I’m glad your boobs are fine. 🙂

  35. From now on I’m gonna tell my kids that I am off limits for 8 hours after any doctor visit.

    Just kidding. I’m glad your boobs, and you, are okay.

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